The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Gennaro and his Boccelli Shoes

    Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day And passes a shoe store.

    Each day he stops and looks in the window To admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much… it’s all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

    Every Friday night the Italian community Holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and As they dance he asks her,

    ‘Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?’ Startled, Sophia replies, ‘Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?’ Gennaro answers, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’ Next he asks Rosa to dance, And after a few minutes he asks, ‘ Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?’ Rosa answers, ‘Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?’ He replies, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’ Now as the evening is almost over And the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

    Midway through the dance his face Turns red. He states, ‘Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!’ Carmela smiles coyly and answers, ‘Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.’ Gennaro gasps,

    ‘Thanka God …. I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!’

  • The Ex-Gynaecologist

    A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO Paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

     

    He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could when the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

    When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

    Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

    "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career!"

  • An Attractive Blonde from Cork

    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.

    She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed… ‘YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

    The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

    MORAL OF THE STORY – Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men…. are men.

  • Two Nuns Riding

    Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome .
    One leans over to the other and says, "I’ve never come this way before."
    The other Nun whispers, "It’s the cobblestones."

  • A Young Scottish Lad and Lass

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
    For several minutes they sat silently.
    Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’…….perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
    Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
    The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
    Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
    After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    "Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
    The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
    The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
    "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
    "Aye," said the lad, nodding.
    The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
    Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies ?"

  • The Captain and the Coffee Making Seaman

    The commanding officer of a ship in the U. S. Navy was about to start the morning briefing to the wardroom. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.  He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of love-making was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’

    The executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work. A lieutenant said it was 50-50%. The operations officer responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Seaman responded, ‘Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.’

    The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked ‘Why?’

    ‘Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.’

    The room fell silent.

  • Lions

    One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a week ?"
    "Shit!" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary….."

  • How Many Lawyers Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?

    Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as ‘the lawyers’ and the party of the second part, also known as ‘the light bulb’ do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

    1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

    2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (‘receptacle’), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

    3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part (‘new light bulb’). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

    Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as ‘The Firm’.

  • An Arab Diplomat Visiting the US

    An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

    Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. ”Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand Emir.

    ”A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, ”white man sit on well.”

  • The Most Functional Of English Words

    Well, it’s shit… that’s right, "Shit"!

    Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

    Consider:

    You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out- of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

    With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

    You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

    Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.

    There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

    You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

    You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

    You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

    Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

    Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

    You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

    You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

    Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

    When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of the English language.

    And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!!

    You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don’t give a shit!

    Well, Shit, it’s time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit.  But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head…

    Well, Shit Happens!!!