The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Mexican Words of the Day

    Mexican words of the day

    1. *Cheese*
    The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
    Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

    2. *Mushroom*
    When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

    3. *Shoulder*
    My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I
    shoulder.

    4. * Texas *
    My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

    5. *Herpes*
    Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

    6. *July*
    Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

    7. *Rectum*
    I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

    8. *Chicken*
    I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

    9. *Wheelchair*
    We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

    10. *Chicken* *wing*
    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

    11. *Harassment*
    My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
    harassment nothing to me.

    12. *Bishop*
    My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

    13. *Body wash*
    I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

    14. *Budweiser*
    That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

  • Two Fleas from Saskatchewan

    Two fleas from Saskatchewan had an agreement to meet every winter in Phoenix for a vacation.

    Last year when one flea gets to Phoenix, he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, nearly frozen to death!

    The other flea asks him, ‘What happened to you?’

    The first flea says, I rode down here from Tobin Lake,  Saskatchewan in the mustache of a guy on a Kawasaki.

    The other flea responds saying, ‘That’s the worst way to travel .. Try what I do.

    Go to the Pelican Bar at the Tobin lake Resort.

    Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice snowbird, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy.

    It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.

    The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

    A year goes by. When the first flea shows up in Phoenix, he is all blue, and shivering and shaking again. Nearly frozen to death.

    The second flea says, ‘Didn’t you try what I told you?’

    ‘Yes,’ says the first flea, ‘I did exactly as you said, I went to the Pelican bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young snowbird came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up… I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Kawasaki’

  • A Priest in a Hotel

    A priest booked into a hotel, and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

    "No," she said, "It’s regular porn, you sick bastard."

  • The City’s Most Successful Lawyer

    The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?’

    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, ‘Uh … no, I didn’t know that.’

    ‘Secondly,’ says the lawyer, ‘ did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

    ‘Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?’

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, ‘I’m so sorry. I had no idea.’

    And the lawyer says, ‘So, if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?’

  • The Cool Waiter

    "Waiter? There’s a fly in my soup!".

    "That’s entirely possible, Sir. The chef used to be a tailor".

  • New Year’s Resolutions you can Keep

    Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

    1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

    2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

    3. Read less.

    4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

    5. Procrastinate more.

    6. Drink. Drink some more.

    7. Take up a new habit: smoking.

    8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.

    9. Spend more time at work.

    10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.

    11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

    12. Quit giving money & time to charity.

    14. Start being superstitious.

    15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

    16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

    17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.

    18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

  • Christmas and Hanukkah to Merge

    Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

    While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we”re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

    Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

    Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

    One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

    A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

  • Getting into Heaven

    There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so only the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

    The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

    The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I’m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

    It was now the third guy’s turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I’m hiding butt naked in this married chick’s refrigerator….."

  • Microsoft Haiku

    In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku Poetry has strict construction rules: Each poem has only 17 Syllables – 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They often achieve a wistful, yearning, and powerful insight through extreme brevity.

    Aren’t these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation?"

    The Web site you seek
    Cannot be located, but
    Countless more exist.

    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.

    Program aborting.
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.

    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.

    Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.

    Your file was so big.
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.

    Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.

    A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone.

    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.

    You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.

    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.

    Having been erased,
    The document you’re seeking
    Must now be retyped.

    Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

    I ate your Web page.
    Forgive me; it was tasty
    And tart on my tongue.

  • In the Beginning Was The Plan

    In the beginning was the Plan.

    And then came the Assumptions.

    And the Assumptions were without form.

    And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

    And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

    And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

    And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

    And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength."

    And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

    And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

    And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company; with powerful effects."

    And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

    And the Plan became Policy. 

    This is How Shit Happens.