The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Governmentium

    Study of recent hurricane and gasoline issues have proved the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

    The new element has been named: "Governmentium (Gv)"

    Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

    Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

    When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (Am) – an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. This decays into a permanent stable element called: Bureaucratium. It can never be destroyed.

  • The College Freshman

    A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

    ‘You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one’, the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. ‘The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, computers with light-speed processing… and more.’

    After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded as follows:

    ‘You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young… so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?’
    The applause was amazing…….

  • The Blonde in Coach

    A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.

    The blonde replies, "I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA."

    Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.

    Again, the blonde replies, "I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to sit here all the way to LA."

    The captain doesn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde’s ear.

    She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

    He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn’t going to LA."

  • 3 Minute Management Course Training for 2008

    Welcome to 3 Minute Management Course training for 2008
     
    Lesson 1

    A man is getting into the shower as his wife is getting out, when the doorbell rings. She quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
    She opens the door to Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, she drops it and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. Wrapping herself in the towel, as she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks: "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour" she replies.
    "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

    Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders (and Management team), in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

    Lesson 2

    A priest offered a Nun a lift. As she sat in the car, she could not help but reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" He removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?".
    The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

    Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

    Lesson 3

    A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie pops out.
    The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish".
    "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world". Puff! She’s gone.
    "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life". Puff! He’s gone.
    "OK, you’re up", the Genie says to the manager.
    The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch".

    Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

    Lesson 4

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?".
    The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson 5

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven’t got the energy."
    Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "They’re packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

  • The Story of Adam and Eve’s Pets

    Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more.

    We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.
     
    And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.

    Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
     
    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

    And it was a good animal.

    And God was pleased.
     
    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
     
    And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
     
    And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

    And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
     
    And they were comforted.
     
    And God was pleased.
     
    And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride

    They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.
     
    And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.

    The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.
     
    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

    And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

    And Adam and Eve learned humility.
     
    And they were greatly improved.

    And God was pleased…
     
    And Dog was happy…

    And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other…

  • Two Aliens in the Arizona Desert

    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take  us to your leader.’

    The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

    The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

    The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’

    The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

    Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, ‘Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!’

    The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad’

    ‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

    Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

    ‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’

    The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, it’s not to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.’

  • The Girls Night Out

    Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they approached the Bacardi Breezers with a little too much enthusiasm.

    Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with this. After the girls did their business, they continued on home.

    The next Day, one woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and Innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

    ‘These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.’

    ‘You think that’s bad’ said the other husband, ‘Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her butt that says: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you. ‘

  • State Mental Hospital Options Menu

    Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

    Please select from the following options menu:

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, Nothing will make you happy anyway.

    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

    If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

    If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

    If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

    This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

    You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

    Well, my job is done …..Your turn!

  • I Rear-Ended a Car This Morning

    I rear-ended a car this morning. 

    So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?  Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’

    So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

  • The Priest and the Rabbi

    A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’
    The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’
    The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’
    To which the rabbi replied, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’
    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’
    The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’
    The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’
    The priest replied, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’
    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
    Finally, the rabbi said, ‘Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?