The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • At the Doctor

    A man went to see his doctor.

    "You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

    The man asked, "Why?"

    The doctor replied, "Because I’m trying to examine you!".

  • Roswell

    Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

    This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

    However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born.

    See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of info may clarify a lot of things.

  • The Wealthy Lawyer

    One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

    "We don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied.

    "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

    "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"

    "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

    "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

    "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

    They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

  • The Helicopter

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment.

    Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

    "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

  • A Good Quarterback

    The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand- grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another grenade from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. "I’ve got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm."

    So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football and sure enough, the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.
    "Mom", he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl".

    "I don’t want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says. "You disappointed us. You are not my son!"

    "Mother, I don’t think you understand," pleads the son. "I’ve just won the 5th greatest sporting event in the world!"

    "No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts, "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get assaulted!" The old lady pauses, then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit ."

  • The Large Red Vibrator

    Madam,

    Thank you for you recent inquiry to SexToys R Us.

    You inquired about the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display.

    Unfortunately, that particular item is not for sale as it is our fire extinguisher.

    Thank you again for your continued patronage.

    Yours,

    SexToys R Us

  • George Bush in Hell

    George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

    ‘I’m not sure what to do,’ says the Devil. ‘you’re on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. ‘I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you’ll have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’

    George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

    The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. such was his fate in Hell.

    ‘No!’ George shouted. ‘I don’t think so. I am not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long’.

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time..

    ‘No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if  all I could do was breaks rocks all day’, commented George.

    The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the  floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

    George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said: ‘Yeah, I can handle this.’

    The Devil smiled and said ‘Ok, Monica, you’re free to go!’

  • The Science of Santa

    1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
    2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT because Santa doesn’t (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
    3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second — a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
    4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload — not even counting the weight of the sleigh — to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison — this is four times the weight of Elizabeth Taylor.
    5. 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth’s atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion: If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he’s dead now.

  • Beer Facts

    It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" – or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

    Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn’t grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

    In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It’s where we get the phrase "mind your P’s and Q’s".

    Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It’s clear from the Mayflower’s log that the crew didn’t want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

    After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

    In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy’s rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren’t too pleased and called Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

    Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

  • What An Excellent Product You Have

    I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

    What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

    Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty Bag people.