It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don’t you drive it away."
"We can’t drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we’d get screwed… so we’re just waiting.
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn’t answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?"
The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered," You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses…but the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he’d be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.
He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn’t you? – I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!
It’s just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it’ll be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require ’round the clock care and you’ll be her care giver!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding – She died more than two hours ago – What’d you shoot?"
While walking through the Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing?"
"I’m listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin’ me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious the man says, "Well, OK."
He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewellery, and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and said, "This just ain’t gonna be your day, Cupcake."
(overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis):
God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colour by now. All I see are patches of green.
St. Francis: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
God: Grass? But it is so boring, it’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?
St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it….sometimes two times a week.
God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?
St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
St. Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
God: Now let me get this straight…they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
St. Francis: Yes, sir.
God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
St. Francis: You aren’t going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.
St. Francis: You’d better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
St Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
God: And where do they get this mulch?
St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.
God: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It’s a really stupid movie about….
God: Never mind–I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!
A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come and ask you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where’s Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must’ve been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl.
"My kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What’s wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was…
CELEBRATE!!!"
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used the ‘F’-word today and I feel so terrible."
"Why don’t you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"I’m a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man,
"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
The priest sighed, "You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you!!
Greg watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning…
When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground.
Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade.
In this manner, he travelled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted Greg.
And then, all at once, Greg had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear…
Yes, hunched over that ant on his hands and knees, Greg suddenly knew what he had to do…
Quit drinking before noon!