Category: Uncategorized

  • The Monastry

    A man is driving down a country road in Ireland and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.

    As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he’s ever heard before. It is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard in his life. He is instantly captivated and enchanted. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a hauntingly seductive sound.

    The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk."

    Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

    Years later, after never being able to forget that sound which continually echoes in his mind, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk."

    The man sets about his task.

    After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

    The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

    The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

    The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.

    The sound has now become very clear and definite.

    The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…..

    But I cannot tell you what it is because you’re not a Monk.

  • A Woman in a Coma

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

    The husband said, "I’m not sure; maybe she choked".

  • The Kayaking Accident

    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

    "We’re sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted.

    The troopers looked at each other.

    One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

    " Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

    The trooper said, "I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What’s the good news?

    The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

    Stunned, ! Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?"

    The trooper said, "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow."

  • ANZAC Bikkies

    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bikkies wafting up the stairs.

    He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

    Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bickies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula…

    "Fuck off" she said, "they’re for the funeral."

  • The Permanent Erection

    A man comes into a pharmacy and asks the female attendant whether there was a male pharmacist he could talk to.

    The woman says that she’s a pharmacist and owned the store along with her sister so there was no male pharmacist available. However, she adds, she was a professional and he could talk over with her any problem he might have assuring him that it would be treated with absolute confidentiality.

    The man says: "Well this is difficult for me to talk about but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I want to know what you could give me for it."

    The pharmacist says: "Excuse me a minute. I’m just going to discuss this with my sister."

    She disappears and comes back saying: "We discussed it at length and the best we can come up with is 1/3 ownership of the store, a company car, free room and board and $2,000 a month living expenses."

  • The Green Spots

    A woman goes to her doctor’s office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs ….. a green spot on the inside of each.

    They won’t wash off, they won’t scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

    The doctor says he’ll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

    A few days later, the woman’s phone rings. It’s the doctor. She immediately begs to know what’s causing the spots?

    The doctor says, "You’re perfectly healthy there’s no problem. But I’m wondering.. is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

    The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

    "Tell him his earrings aren’t real gold."

  • Moses and Jesus were Playing Golf

    One day Moses and Jesus were playing golf. They were at the tee of a beautiful par 3, with a lake right in the middle of the fairway. Moses selects a 5 iron, tees-up his ball and swings. His ball sails very high and lands in the middle of the lake. He mutters to himself and tees-up a second ball, this time selecting a 4 iron. This shot was perfect; landing right in the middle of the green.

    Jesus pauses for a moment to ponder his club selection. "Hmmmm…..

    Tiger Woods would use this", he says as he picks up a 5 iron.

    "But, Jesus. My 5 iron shot ended up in the lake. You should use a 4 iron!"

    "Nope. Tiger would use a 5", insisted Jesus.

    So, Jesus swings hard and alas his shot ends up in the middle of the lake too. Jesus strolls over to the lake and walks out on the water to retrieve his ball. As Jesus is walking on the water trying to locate his ball a foursome comes up to the tee, sees a man walking on the water and one of them exclaims, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

    "No", explains Moses, "He is Jesus Christ. He *thinks* he’s Tiger Woods."

  • Nordakota

    Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be ‘North Dakota’ for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

    Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls… the cow farts. Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow’s current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

    When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbour, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

    Sven reaches under, pulls the teat – and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?"

    Ole is very surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right, but how did you know?"

    Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."

  • The Skiing Trip

    Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

    "I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed," she explained. "I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don’t worry," Jack said. "We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

    But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

    "Yes, I do." said Bob

    "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

    "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

    Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

    "She just died and left me everything."

  • Paddy Murphy’s Last Poker Night

    Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

    Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing until Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, "OK, me lads, someone has to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?"

    They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me"

    Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

    "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home"

    "Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy’s wife.

    "I’ll go tell him." says Gallagher.