Category: Uncategorized

  • Vincent

    An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,

    I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.

    Love, Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son:

    Dear Dad,

    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.

    Love, Vinny

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

    Dear Dad,

    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Love you, Vinny

  • The Australian Salesman

    A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

    The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

    His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

    After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

    The Aussie said "One!"

    The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

    "£ 124,237.64. Pounds"

    The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?"

    "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

    Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

    The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me… a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?"

    "No no no… he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s buggered, you might as well go fishing.’"

  • A Husband’s Insight

    At the church’s husband’s marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Luigi replied to the audience, ‘Well, I’v-a-tried to-a treat-a her well, spend-a money on her, but-a da best-a is I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary.’

    The Priest immediately commented, ‘Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

    Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary…’

    Luigi proudly replied, ‘I’m-a gonna go and-a get her.’

  • The Chinese Restaurant

    A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

    The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

    "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot.

    He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

    Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

    "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

    The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

    "Ah… so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck!"

  • The Sexual Urges of Men and Women

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… "You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That’s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don’t feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

  • Yogi Bera at St Louis

    "It is wonderful to be here in St. Louis and to visit the old neighborhood. I haven’t been back since the last time I was here. Everything looks the same, only different. Of course, things in the past are never as they used to be.

    "Before I speak, I have something I’d like to say. As you may know, I never went to college, or high school for that matter. To be honest, I’m not much of a public speaker, so I will try to keep this short as long as I can.

    "As I look out upon all of the young people here tonight, there are a number of words of wisdom I might depart. But I think the most irrelevant piece of advice I can pass along is this:

    "The most important things in life are the things that are least important.

    "I could have gone a number of directions in my life. Growing up on the Hill, I could have opened a restaurant or a bakery. But the more time I spent in places like that, the less time I wanted to spend there. I knew that if I wanted to play baseball, I was going to have to play baseball. My childhood friend, Joe Garagiola, also became a big-league ballpayer, as did my son, Dale. I think you’ll find the similarities in our careers are quite different.

    "You’re probably wondering, how does a kid from the Hill become a New York Yankee and get in the Hall of Fame? Well, let me tell you something, if it was easy nobody would do it. Nothing is impossible until you make it possible.

    "Of course, times were different. To be honest, I was born at an early age. Things are much more confiscated now. It seems like a nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. But let me tell you, if the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be. Even Napoleon had his Watergate.

    "You’ll make some wrong mistakes along the way, but only the wrong survive. Never put off until tomorrow what you can’t do today. Denial isn’t just a river in Europe.

    "Strive for success and remember you won’t get what you want unless you want what you get. Some will choose a different path. If they don’t want to come along, you can’t stop them. Remember, none are so kind as those who will not see.

    "Keep the faith and follow the Commandments: Do not covet thy neighbor’s wife, unless she has nothing else to wear. Treat others before you treat yourself. As Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt once said, ‘The only thing you have to fear is beer itself.’

    "Hold on to your integrity, ladies and gentlemen. It’s the one thing you really need to have; if you don’t have it, that’s why you need it. Work hard to reach your goals, and if you can’t reach them, use a ladder. There may come a day when you get hurt and have to miss work. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt to miss work.

    "Over the years, I have realized that baseball is really just a menopause for life. We all have limitations, but we also know limitation is the greatest form of flattery. Beauty is in the eyes of Jim Holder.

    "Half the lies you hear won’t be true, and half the things you say, you won’t ever say.

    "As parents you’ll want to give your children all the things you didn’t have. But don’t buy them an encyclopedia, make them walk to school like you did. Teach them to have respect for others, especially the police. They are not here to create disorder, they are here to preserve it.

    "Throughout my career, I found good things always came in pairs of three. There will be times when you are an overwhelming underdog. Give 100 percent to everything you do, and when that’s not enough, give everything you have left. ‘Winning isn’t everything, but it’s better than rheumatism.’ I think Guy Lombardo said that.

    "Finally, dear graduates and friends, cherish this moment; it is a memory you will never forget. You have your entire future ahead of you.

    "Good luck and Bob’s speed."

    May 19, 2007: St. Louis native Yogi Berra addresses the crowd on hand for the Saint Louis University graduation.

  • The Car Wreck Victim

    A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

    The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it’s going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch".

    The bloke perks up at this, even though it’s a thousand pounds an inch. "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. For instance, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

    So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "Have you spoken with your wife?"

    "I have," says the fellow.

    "And has she helped you in making the decision?"

    "She has," says the bloke.

    "And what is it?" asks the doctor.

    The bloke looks up and says "We’re getting a new kitchen"

  • Jesus and Satan

    Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

    Finally fed up, God said, "THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

    They moused.

    They faxed.

    They e-mailed.

    They e-mailed with attachments.

    They downloaded.

    They did spreadsheets!

    They wrote reports.

    They created labels and cards.

    They created charts and graphs.

    They did some genealogy reports

    They did every job known to man.

    Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

    Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

    Jesus just sighed.

    Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It’s gone! It’s all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.

    "Wait!" he screamed. "That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?"

    God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES".

  • How It Is

    How it is…

    SOCIALISM

    You have 2 cows.

    You give one to your neighbour.

     

    COMMUNISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

     

    FASCISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

     

    NAZISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and shoots you.

     

    BUREAUCRATISM

    You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away…

     

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

    You sell them and retire on the income.

     

    SURREALISM

    You have two giraffes.

    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

     

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

    Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

     

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

    You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

     

    THE ANDERSEN MODEL

    You have two cows.

    You shred them.

     

    A FRENCH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

     

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.

     

    A GERMAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

     

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.

    You decide to have lunch.

     

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You count them and learn you have five cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

     

    A SWISS CORPORATION

    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

    You charge the owners for storing them.

     

    A CHINESE CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You have 300 people milking them.

    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

     

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    You worship them.

     

    A BRITISH CORPORATION

    You have two cows.

    Both are mad.

     

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION

    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

    You tell them that you have none.

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy….

     

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

    You have two sheep.

    The one on the left looks very attractive.

  • Microsoft and the Catholic Church

    VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

    With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

    "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

    Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.

    "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

    An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

    Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.

    "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea– we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

    But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

    Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

    The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.