The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • An Innovative Doctor

    A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

    The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?

    The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"

  • A Box of Fresh Crabs

    A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia with a box of fresh crabs. A female crew member took it from him and promised to secrete it in the crew’s own refrigerator, which she did for the duration of the long trip.

    Shortly before landing, she couldn’t remember who gave her the package, so she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney please raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up so she took them home and ate them herself.

  • An Italian, a Frenchman and a Sri Lankan

    An Italian, a Frenchman and a Sri Lankan were drinking at a bar discussing what they had done the previous evening.

    The Italian says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil then we made passionate love and I made her scream non stop for five minutes."

    The Frenchman says: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

    The Sri Lankan says: That’s nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter then made love and I made her scream for two consecutive hours ."

    The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked the Sri Lankan, "Two hours, phenomenal! How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

    "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

  • Two Goldfish

    Two goldfish were in their tank. One turns to the other and says, ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive.’

  • Your Husband’s Disease

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

    He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.

    Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

    Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

    "You’re going to die," she replied.

  • A Drink Of Water

    A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

    "Da-ad…"

    "What?"

    "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

    "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

    "Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…"

    "WHAT?"

    "I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??"

    "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!"

    "Five minutes later… "Daaaa-aaaad…"

    "WHAT??!!"

    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

  • The Preacher’s Ass

    A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

    "PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS!"

    The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

    "PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT"

    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

    "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ASS"

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

    "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

    The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

    "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"

    This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

    "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"

    The Bishop was buried the next day.

  • The Head

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just "a head"! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

    After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink !"

    The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

    The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly, the bar falls silent.

    The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should have quit while he was a head!"

  • Isn’t That Precious

    Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centred on if they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

    The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn’t that precious?"

    The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

    Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn’t that precious?"

    The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

    Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn’t that precious??"

    The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

    "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

    "Charm school! ??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

    The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying ‘Who gives a shit?’ I learned to say, "Well, isn’t that precious?"

  • Her Yearly Physical

    A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

    The nurse starts with certain basic items.

    "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

    "115," she says.

    The nurse puts her on the scale.

    It turns out her weight is 140.

    The nurse asks, "Your height?"

    "5 foot 8," she says.

    The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ 5".

    She then takes her blood pressure

    And tells the woman it is very high.

    "Of course it’s high!" she screams,

    "When I came in here I was tall and slender!

    Now I’m short and fat!"