The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • A Fully Loaded Rig

    A truck driver was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill.

    Just as he was starting down the equally steep slope on the otherside, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the centre of  the road, making wild and passionate love.

    In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.

    He realised that they were not going to stop or get out of his way, so  he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

    Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck.

    He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, ‘What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!’

    Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said,

    ‘Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes…’

  • A New Sign in the Bank Lobby

    A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

    "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
    Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
    After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."

    MALE PROCEDURE:
     

    1. Drive up to the cash machine.
    2. Put down your car window.
    3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
    4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    6. Put window up.
    7. Drive off.

    FEMALE PROCEDURE:
     

    1. Drive up to cash machine.
    2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
    3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
    4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
    6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
    7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
    8. Insert card.
    9. Re-insert card the right way.
    10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
    11. Enter PIN.
    12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    13. Enter amount of cash required.
    14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
    15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
    16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
    18. Re-check makeup.
    19. Drive forward 2 feet.
    20. Reverse back to cash machine.
    21. Retrieve card.
    22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
    23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
    25. Redial person on cell phone.
    26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
    27. Release Parking Brake.

  • Widdle Wabbits

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
    The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers… "I don’t weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

  • Little Tony

    Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, ‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
     

    ‘She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. It’s called sexual intercourse, darling. ‘Little Tony said, ‘Oh, OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.
     

    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you.’

  • The Wal-Mart Greeter

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

    "I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

  • Robot Golf Caddies

    A man wants to play golf and approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie,"

    The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this. We just got 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you’re willing to take one with you out on the course and if you will come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today"

    The golfer obviously accepted the man’s offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

    The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter, he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

    The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left." Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn’t end there His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie. Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?"

    The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week" A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering the pro shop he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please"

    The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well, the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints." Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the hell could’ve complained about those robots? They were incredible" The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn’t their performance. It was that they were shiny silver metal, and the glare from the machine was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

    The golfer said, "So then why didn’t you just paint them black?"

    The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. And then four of ’em didn’t show up for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop"

  • The Young Chinese Couple

    A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin also, but she doesn’t know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

    ‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.

    I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want.

    You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

    She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I wanna try someting I hear about from the other girls… it called "NUMBAH 69!!".’

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

    Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her… ‘You want… a Garlic Chicken wif corrifrowa??’

  • Hi There, Good Lookin’

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there good lookin’. How’s it going?"
    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front  door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean … It doesn’t matter to me, I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."
    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

  • Red Coats

    A couple of hundred years ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don’t you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

    In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is that if they are shot the blood won’t show, and the men they are leading won’t panic.

    And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants

  • Involuntary Muscular Contractions

    A Professor was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.

    Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

    He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

    She replied, ‘Probably deer hunting with his buddies.’

    The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the lecture.