The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Three Salesmen

    Three salesmen are on the way home from a sales conference when their car suddenly packs in. They walk to the nearest roadside inn and decide there and then that they’ll all just stay there for the night.

    They walk up to the reception desk, and the first salesman says, "Three single rooms for the night, please."

    The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry sir, all that we have left is one king-size room with one king-size bed."

    "Okay," says the first salesman, "shall we all just share, in that case?"

    No-one else has any problem with that, so they all accept the room and go to bed, and, due to the tiring nature of that day’s conference, fall asleep straight away.

    The next morning they all wake up together.

    "Oh my God!" screams the first one. "I’m so fucking embarrassed…I dreamt i was being jerked off by this gorgeous woman, and I’ve actually come in the bed!"

    The third guy, over on the other side of the bed, pipes up too. "Me as well! I had that same dream, and I’ve gone all over the place too!" Turning to the guy in the middle, he looks at him and asks "What about you? Surely all 3 of us couldn’t have had the same dream?"

    "Oh no, " declares the guy in the middle. "I had a nice dream that I was skiing…"

  • Four Worms

    Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

    After one day:

    The first worm, in alcohol—dead.

    Second worm, in cigarette smoke—dead.

    Third worm, in sperm—dead.

    Fourth worm, in soil—alive.

    Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t get worms.

  • A New Zealander in Amsterdam

    Dave, a young New Zealand tourist on his first visit to Amsterdam, locates the red light district and enters a large brothel. The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!

    Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, " No!" and quickly walks away. The Madam is surprised that this ordinary-looking young man has seemingly asked for something so outrageous that two of her prettiest girls will have nothing to do with it. She decides that obviously only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.

    Lola looks a bit tired, but she has never said no and it doesn’t seem likely that at her stage of her career anything would surprise her.

    So the Madam sends her over to the young New Zealand client and watches for the response. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, PAL", smacks him across the face as hard as she can; and then literally runs away! The Madam is by now absolutely intrigued. She has seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn’t done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she did it for many years before she got into management and believes she can remember a bit about what to do. She’s also sure she has said yes at one time or another to everything a man could possibly ask for. The challenge is irresistible. She just has to find out what this seemingly innocent looking man has wanted that has made her girls so angry. And she also sees the chance she can’t pass up to show off to her employees how good she used to be at what they now do under her supervision.

    So she goes over to Dave and says that she’s the best in the house and she, herself, is available. Her girls stop their entertaining and watch with great interest. She sits down with Dave and talks with him, spending the time to really discover more about the man within.. They frolic a bit, giggle a bit, drink a little, and eventually she sits in his lap. And then Dave leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in New Zealand dollars?"

  • The Axis of Just As Evil

    ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"

    Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

    Beijing: Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

    "An Axis can’t have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

    THE AXIS PANDEMIC

    International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

    "That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

  • The Woman and the Sailor

    A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

    He took pity on her and said, "Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

    Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

    "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

  • Suzuki, the Son of a Japanese Businessman

    It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for young Suzuki; "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

    "Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’?"

    Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Suzuki.

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I’m gonna puke."

    The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

    Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

    Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you."

    Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

    The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble now!"

    Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."

  • Five Cannibals

    Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defence company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You’re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don’t trouble any of the other employees".

    The cannibals promised.

    Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

    The cannibals all shake their heads no.

    After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

    A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

  • Two Mathematicians

    Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard, were having dinner in a restaurant. They were arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surpassingly high.

    "I’ll tell you what, "said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we’ll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I’ll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay?" they agreed, but once he’d left Joe called the waitress over.

    "When my friend comes back, " he told her, " he’s going to ask you a question; you should respond "one third x cubed’ no matter what the question is; got that? There’s twenty bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.

    Richard returned from the men’s room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he stated, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

    The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed?"

    Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and a clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "… plus a constant."

  • The Little Old Lady

    A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

    Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

    The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

    The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

    The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

    "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

  • The Lincoln Navigator

    This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

    A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

    In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

    So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don’t want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast.

    They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

    You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on.

    Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

    The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. —-BOOM!—- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can’t believe this happened" look on their faces.

    The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments! And you thought your day was not going well?