The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • Michael the Dragon Master

    Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur’s court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts.

    But he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King’s chief physician.

    Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

    The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.

    Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master’s mouth.

    King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen’s magnificent breasts.

    Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

    The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder onto King Arthur’s loincloth. King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master…

    Moral of the story: Pay your bills.

  • Sadly, Dave was Born without Ears

    Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

    One day, he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.

    The first guy was great.

    He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting.

    But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    "Why, yes, I couldn’t help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.

    Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.

    The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

    But Dave asked her the same question:

    "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

    Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

    The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA.

    He was smart.

    He was handsome. He seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

    Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

    "Do you notice anything different about me?"

    Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don’t you?"

    Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.

    "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

    The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

  • Fart Football

    An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

    The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

    After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

    Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

    Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed.

    The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

    The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

  • A Bed Wetting Solution

    This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

    He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

  • Joe and the Blind Date

    Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed" she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and they won a prize.

    Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

    The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

    Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How’d it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!"

  • The Difference Between Engineers and Accountants

    Three engineers and three accountants were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
    "Watch and you’ll see", answered an engineer.
    They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
    The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
    The conductor took it and moved on.
    The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy a ticket at all.
    "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
    "Watch and you’ll see", answered an engineer.
    When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

  • Bailey’s and Lime

    This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she’ll be happy to pick up the round as she’s heard of a new drink she wants him to try.
    She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a measure of Bailey’s. The other full of lime juice.
    She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey’s, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
    He looks a little dubious but does as he’s told because she’s really cute when she’s enthusiastic.
    First he swallows the Bailey’s. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.
    Then he chugs the lime juice.
    After about a second, the cream in the Bailey’s curdles in his mouth.
    Two seconds into it his face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
    Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.
    As he makes a face, she whispers sweetly in his ear, "It’s called ‘Blowjob Revenge’."

  • I’m a Firm Believer in God

    A guy is sinking in his boat and the water is up to his knees.
    A guy in another boat pulls up to him and tells him to get into the boat.
    The man in the sinking boat only says, "I’m a firm believer in God, he will save me."
    The man shrugs and drives away.
    Now the water is up to his waist and another boat pulls up to him and the driver tells him to get in.
    Like before, all he says is, "I’m a firm believer in God, he will save me."
    So the second man drives away.
    Now with the water up to his chin, a rescue helicopter drops a rope ladder down and tells him to climb up.
    All the drowning man says is, "I’m a firm believer in God, he will save me."
    So the helicopter flies away.
    A few hours later, the boat is gone and the man had drowned.
    When he gets up to heaven, he says to God, "Hey, why didn’t you save me?!"
    God replies, "Well DUH, I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

  • The African Parrot

    A guy walks into a pet store looking for a gift for his wife’s birthday. He looks all over and decides to leave when a voice in the back says, "Hey Buddy-C’mere!" 
    The man walks to the rear of the store and there sits a huge African parrot. About that time the manager walks over. The bird says, "Why don’t you buy me?" 
    The guy asks how much and the manager explains that the parrot had belonged to a University Professor and that he spoke and understood 7 languages. Then told the customer that the parrot was $4000. The guy started to purchase the bird when the manager said, "Uh, there is one thing about this bird that I should tell you. The parrot doesn’t have any legs."
    Laughing, the guy said, "Ok, then how does he stand up on the perch?" 
    The manager lifted the parrots feathers and showed that the parrot wrapped his penis around the perch and balanced. 
    "That’s pretty amazing," said the customer. "I want it anyway." 
    He took it home and gave it to the delighted wife. Six weeks pass. One Sunday afternoon, the guy is sitting on the couch and the parrot says, "Hey Buddy!" The guy walks over to the cage. 
    "Yes?" 
    "There’s something going on here you should know about." 
    "Like what?" 
    "Well," said the parrot, "each day when you go to work, someone different knocks on the door and your wife greets them in her nightgown!" 
    "WHAT?" exclaimed the guy! 
    "Next, the man holds your wife’s hand and brings her over here to the couch-RIGHT UNDER MY CAGE-and starts to remove her nightgown!", screams the parrot. 
    "Oh my God-what happens next," shouts the guy! 
    "Well, he rips off her panties and she rips off his shirt-and they really start going at it-RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH-RIGHT UNDER MY CAGE!", replies the parrot. 
    "Holy Smokes", yells the guy. "What happens NEXT?" 
    "I DUNNO BUDDY! I FELL OFF THE FREAKING PERCH!"

  • The Irish Hunters

    A couple of Irish hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile and calls 000 .

    He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead."

    Silence for a moment, then the operator hears a shot….. and the hunter says, "OK, now what?"