The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • A Computer Error

    Young Joanne, the editor of a Yorkie publication, was having trouble with her computer, so she called Tim, the computer guy, over to her desk. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Joanne called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
    He replied: "It was an ID ten T error."
    A puzzled expression ran riot over Joanne’s face. "An ID ten T error?
    What’s that … in case I need to fix it again??"
    He gave her a grin… "Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
    "No," replied Joanne.
    "Write it down," he said, "and I think you’ll figure it out."
    (She wrote…) I D 1 0 T

  • Two Bored Casino Operators

    Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude." With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!" Then she hollers…"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" and begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

  • The Diagnostic Computer

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." 
    "Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." 
    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 
    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. 
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener 
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
    4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 
    5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

  • The Headache

    Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
    After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
    When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
    He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, "That’s what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit."
    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see… size 44 long."
    Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck."
    Joe was surprised, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
    Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, "Let’s see…9 and a half wide."
    Joe was astonished, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job." 
    Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
    Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
    The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, "Let’s see. . . 7 5/8."
    Joe was incredulous, "That’s right, how did you know?"
    "It’s my job."
    The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
    Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
    The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, "Let’s see… size 36."
    Joe laughed, "No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
    The salesman shook his head and said, "You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

  • The Australian Olympic Swim Team

    A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she’s inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. 

    After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She’s really pleased to have met this guy. 

    At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! 

    After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. 

    The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can’t properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. 

    "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed – only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

  • Bad Golf Day

    A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball… stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake. "What did you do?" asks the doctor. Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

  • Give Me a Story with a Moral

    A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories. Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." 

    "And what is the moral to that story?" 

    "Don’t put all your eggs in one basket." 

    "Very good!" said the teacher. Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don’t count your chickens before they are hatched." 

    "That was a fine example, Lucy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next." 

    "Yes Ma’am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." 

    "Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?" 

    "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking."

  • Cinderella at 75

    Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

    One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

    The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

    Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."

    Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

    Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"

    Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her.

    Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"

    Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".

    Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

    The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."

    And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

    For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.

    Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

    He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?"

  • Archaeology in Jerusalem

    A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were: 

    1. A Woman 
    2. A Donkey 
    3. A Shovel 
    4. A Fish 
    5. A Star of David. 

    After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 

    1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 
    2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 
    3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 
    4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 
    5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. 

      A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said… I’m sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it really reads… Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman.

  • Business Trip or Vacation?

    A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she’s heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or vacation?".
    She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What’s your business role at this convention?".
    "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    "Really," he says, swallowing hard," what myths are those?"
    "Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the man of Jewish descent. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Red Neck." Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I’m sorry," she says, "I shouldn’t be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name!" 
    "Tonto!", the man says, "Tonto Goldstein!…but my friends call me ‘Bubba’".