The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It’s in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It’s a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!’
Category: Uncategorized
-
Show and Tell
-
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and deliver a basket of goodies to Grandmother when her mother stopped her, saying "Little Red, you had better be careful in the woods because the Big Bad Wolf is out today. If he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off." "Oh I’ll be all right," Little Red answered as she pulled out a rather large shotgun from the basket she was carrying. Assured that her daughter would be safe, she allowed Little Red to leave the house and begin the journey to Grandmother’s house. Along the trail in the woods Little Red came across her friends the three little pigs (don’t ask what they are doing in the woods, after all it is just a joke) "Little Red, Little Red," they called to her, "you had better be careful because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods today. He said that if he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off." After showing them the shotgun and assuring her friends that she would be all right, Little Red continued her journey to Grandmother’s. Just then the Big Bad Wolf appeared and he said, "Little Red at last I found you. You know what’s going to happen now, right? I am going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off." "I don’t think so…" Little Red replied as she levelled the shotgun at the wolf. She then lifted up her little red dress, and pulled down her little red panties and said, "you’re going to eat me just like the book says…."
-
The Perfect Woman
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
-
Circle Flies
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said – "Well yeah, if that’s what they are, I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey— wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The Trooper says, " Well, that’s a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
-
The Jaguar XK140
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it’s gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That’s a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" Well, it just conked out I’m afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
-
How Yodelling Began
Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?… Well, here ya’ go…. Back in the olden days, a man was travelling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. Well as the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That’s some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? "Gee, no, I didn’t," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I’m going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don’t know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn’t," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I’m going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where’s the man from the barn?", she eagerly asked her father. Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" And that’s how Yodelling began.
-
The Horse’s Ass
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it smack on the ass.
The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?"
The cowboy answers "Chapped lips".
"Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?"
"No, but it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."
-
Drink Driving
A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.
The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."
-
Vacation at a Nude Beach
Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says…"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says…"the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…"Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy’s!" The mom says…"the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says…"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"