One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
The teacher said, "You what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, ‘PSST!’ and it didn’t move, so it must be dead.
An old cowboy, dressed in a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar, sat down, and ordered a drink.
As he was sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "Well, I’ve spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, and mending fences, so I reckon I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.
An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller’s window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president’s secretary for an appointment for the lady. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president’s office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million. "I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I’ll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o’clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn’t know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious–he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was OK There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o’clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don’t know how to tell you this," he said, "but I’m the same as I’ve always been, only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What’s wrong with him?" She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I’d have the Chase Manhattan Bank’s president’s balls in my hand."
Adolf Hitler was conducting a General Staff meeting, when somebody sneezed.
"Who vas zat!?" shouted Hitler, whirling around from a wall map of Europe. Nobody said anything.
"I see," he said, "I vill haff 10 of you shot. Und maybe zen you vill tell me who schneezed, ja?" A Gestapo agent took 10 people out of the room. Shots were heard, then silence.
"I vill ask again," yelled Hitler, "who schneezed?" Again, nobody said anything.
"Very vell," he said, "I vill haff anosser 10 of you shot!" The Gestapo agent escorted 10 more people out of the room and executed them.
"For ze very last time," screamed Hitler, "who schneezed?"
Finally the guilty officer could stand no more. He stood up and said, "It vas me, my Führer. I am ze vun who schneezed."
Hitler slowly approached the shaking officer and said, "Gesundheit."
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
A family was travelling on vacation when they came across a petting zoo. The children asked if they could stop, and the parents said okay.
At the zoo, they saw and touched many animals and had a great time. While driving to their next vacation stop the father noticed the kids playing with something. He asked, "What have you kids got back there?"
The children then produced a very cute baby skunk. The father was horrified because he realized that they had taken this skunk from the zoo. To teach his kids a lesson he told them that if they got caught they could go to jail for this. While he was reprimanding his children he hadn’t noticed that he was speeding and had just gone through a speed trap. When the police car came after him he thought that they must have found out about the skunk and that was why they were stopping him. He told the kids to keep quiet and give the skunk to their mother. He then told her to hide the skunk.
She said, "Where am I going to hide it?"
The father said to put it under her dress and hold it between her legs until the police left.
She said, "But it stinks!"
The father replied, "Well, can’t you just hold his little nose?"
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are comprised of fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here’s the kicker… A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a large bloodthirsty group of savage natives. He quietly says out loud, "Oh God, I’m screwed!" Suddenly, there is a ray of light from above and a voice booms out, "No, you’re not screwed yet. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of their chief standing in front of you." So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living crap out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, with the shocked and angry looks of the natives closing in on him, he looks upward and says, "What now God?" And God’s voice booms out, "Okay…now you’re screwed!"
A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs." "Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what’s the shotgun for?" "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla", the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. " I’m too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a Greek man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."