The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • A Hotel in Asia

    The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review…. 

    Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees." 
    Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." 
    RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" 
    G: "Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs." 
    RS: "Ow July den?" 
    G: "What??"
    RS: "Ow July den?…pry, boy, pooch?" 
    G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." 
    RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?" 
    G: "Crisp will be fine." 
    RS : "Hokay. An San tos?" 
    G: "What?" 
    RS:"San tos. July San tos?" 
    G: "I don’t think so." 
    RS: "No? Judo one toes??" 
    G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means." 
    RS: "Toes! Toes!…Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" 
    G: "English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." 
    RS: "We bother?" 
    G: "No..just put the bother on the side." 
    RS: "Wad?" 
    G: "I mean butter…just put it on the side." 
    RS: "Copy?" 
    G: "Sorry?" 
    RS: "Copy…tea…mill?" 
    G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all." 
    RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??" 
    G: "Whatever you say" 
    RS: "Tendjewberrymud." 
    G : "You’re welcome."

  • Bob’s Neighbour

    Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new, drop-dead gorgeous neighbour came out of her apartment towards him. As she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn’t wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning.

    This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn’t had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact. She said she heard someone coming and that they should go to her apartment. 

    They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. "What do you think my best feature is?" 

    Bob stuttered and drooled a bit, and finally said, "Your ears." 

    "What do you mean my ears? Look at me. I have perfect breasts, a nice tight ass, and legs to die for! What on earth made you say ears?" 

    "Well," said Bob, "in the hall, you said you heard someone coming? That was me!"

  • Phone Messages

    WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we’re not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we’ll assimilate you later.

    Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done… (Cachunk!)

    Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loudly and (BEEP)

    This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is "supercilious."

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

    I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

    I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

    Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? … BEEP

    (Rod Sterling imitation:) You’re dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead – this is no ordinary telephone answering device…You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

    Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn’t do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

    This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

    I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, eh. This is so confusing.

    The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.

    You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

    (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

    Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.

    Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

    Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

  • The Physics of Hell

    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

    "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

    Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." the student received the only "A" given.

  • Chinese Torture

    A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

    The man says, "I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

    The old Chinese man says, "I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

    The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tomorrow morning"

    The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

    "OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after showering), he sees how beautiful the granddaughter is. She is an absolute pearl, and while he has only been lost three weeks, it has been many, many months without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both can’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man sneaks into the girl’s bedroom and they have quite a time and keep the noise down to a minimum. The man creeps back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest.

    On the rock is a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."

    "What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself as he gets up and walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out.

    On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

    The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock.

    Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

  • The Short Lady

    A VERY short lady goes to her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

    "Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

    "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it."

    Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office. "Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please you have to help me!"

    "Well, let’s have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

    "Oh, yes, I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am this won’t hurt a bit."

    The short lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma’am, try that."

    She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That’s great, Doc, what did you do?!"

    To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your Wellington boots."

  • The Dry Cleaning

    Two guys are sitting at a bar. After a bunch of drinks over several hours, one guy hiccups, drops his head down to his chest, pushes himself away from the bar, and proceeds to hurl all over himself. Wiping his mouth off on his shirt sleeve, he says, "Man, I gotta go home. I’m already 2 hours late, and now I’ve thrown up all over myself. The ole’ lady is gonna kill me.

    The second guy turns to the first and says, "Naw she won’t. Listen, you got twenty bucks?"

    The first says, "Yeah, why?"

    The second drunk says, "Take the twenty and put it in your front pocket. When you get home and your wife asks what happened, you tell her some guy threw up on your shirt and he gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning. I do it all the time.

    The first guys says, "Great idea! Let’s have another round", and the two continued to drink for the next couple of hours. Eventually they head home. Sure enough, the first guys wife is waiting up for him. As he walks through the door, she takes a look at him and says, "Look at you! You’re pathetic!! You’re five hours late, drunk as a skunk, and you’ve got dried puke all over the front of you! What have you got to say for yourself?!?"

    He says, "Wait honey, listen for a second. This drunk guy threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks to get my shirt dry cleaned, I swear. Check my front pocket." She reaches in and pulls out two twenty dollar bills. She says, "Wait there’s 40 bucks in here!"

    He says, "Oh yeah, he crapped in my pants too!!"

  • Learning About Each Other

    A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don’t know anything about each other."

    He said, "That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married.

    They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of his towel, climbed the ten-meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife.

    After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

    He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along."

    So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

    "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

  • The Currency Exchange

    A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he got last week. The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian man, with an astonished look on his face, stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

  • Would You Like to Dance?

    A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"

    The girl says, "I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you."

    The guy says, "I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."