It’s her first time at the gynaecologist. She’s up in the stirrups, and she’s scared to death. The gynaecologist says, "You’re nervous, aren’t you?"
She says, "Yes. It’s my first time at the gynaecologist."
He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"
She says, "Please."
He sticks his nose between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num…"
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z23- series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he had time to save his friend’s life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny beemer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! The friendship between the two animals was cemented – best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit , and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thingy" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him out, saving his life. Moral: When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Memorize these definitions and crapping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a crap in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
Definition: When forcing a crap, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the crap hits the water and the crap is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the crap has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPER
Definition: A colleague who craps at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Crapper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet Crapper before entering the bathroom.
THE CRAPPING FRIENDS NETWORK (CFN)
Definition: A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency crapping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET CRAPPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVEN
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a crapper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A crapper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phoney cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the crapper can crap in peace.
WATERMELON
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before crapping. Walk in, check for other crappers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don’t forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFEHAVEN.
A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — 10 MILES."
Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — 5 MILES."
Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION — NEXT RIGHT."
His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a sombre, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left.
The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He placed the money in this nun’s tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.
Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that’s exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, ‘Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.’"
Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl’s voice.
"Hi, honey, it’s Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don’t have an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes I do. He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead."
"Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he’s dead too."
There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"
Three Labrador retrievers – one brown, one yellow and one black – were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed."
The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet’s office?"
"I’m a humper," the black lab said. "I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I’m here to get my nails clipped."
Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a sizeable hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, the neighbour politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johnny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I’ve just buried him."
The neighbour was concerned, "That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?"
Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That’s because he’s inside your fuckin’ cat."