The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Horse

    This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I’m sending him over".

    The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.

    "A female horth", the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

    "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"

    So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s teeth.

    "Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"

    So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.

    "OK, what about the earsth?"

    Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

    "OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."

    With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s twat, and then pulls him out.

    Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run."

  • The Doctor

    A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you’re the first…"

    …this made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in his head said, "of course, they probably weren’t vets…."

  • On a Plane

    A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

    She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

    He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what’s your role at this convention?"

    She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

    "Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

    She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

    "Very interesting," the man responds.

    Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I’m sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don’t even know your name."

    The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto… Tonto Goldstein."

  • Australian National Poetry Contest

    The finals of the Australian National Poetry contest last year came down to 2 finalists. One was a Melbourne University Law School graduate from an upper-crust family. He was well bred and well connected.

    The other finalist was a bogan from Broadmeadows TAFE. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word ‘Timbuktu’. The Melbourne uni grad went first.

    About 30 seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following:

    "Slowly across the desert sand
    Trekked the dusty caravan
    Men on camels, two by two
    Destination – Timbuktu."

    The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the Broadmeadows bogan top that?? The clock started again and the second contestant sat in silent thought. Finally in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

    "Tim and me, a-huntin’ went.
    Met three girls in a pop-up tent.
    They was three, we was two,
    So I bucked one and Timbuktu."

    He Won.

  • Driving to Chicago

    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

    Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

    Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

    "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

    Bob says, "I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!"

  • The Pager

    Lil’ Johnny’s mother took him with her to the bank on a busy Friday. They were in line behind a rather obese lady wearing a business suit, complete with a pager. As the mother patiently waited, Lil’ Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed loudly, "Hey, Mom, she’s REALLY FAT."

    The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil’ Johnny received a quiet reprimand.

    After a minute or two, Lil’ Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt is *that* wide."

    At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son.

    Again after a couple of minutes Lil’ Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny’s mother to control her rude child and his mother threatened him with his very life and existence.

    Things in the bank are quiet. The lady moved to the front of the line and then her pager begins to emit its distinctive tone. Lil’ Johnny yelled in a panic at the top of his voice, "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE MOM, SHE’S BACKING UP!!!!"

  • The Cow

    A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.

    It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

    Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

    They told him the story. "Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

    The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

    "Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

    The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

  • The Penguin

    Once there was a penguin on his way to Arizona for a holiday. On his way, he noticed that his car had high oil pressure so he stopped to see what the problem was. On realising that his car had an oil leak he pulls into the next town to a garage. While it is being fixed he decides to look around the town. Being a penguin, he decides that a nice cold ice-cream could be good but not having any hands he gets himself into quite a mess trying to eat it with his little flippers. When he goes back to the garage to pick up his car, he asks the mechanic "What’s the problem?" The mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

    "Oh, no, no," the penguin replies looking embarrassed, "That’s just ice-cream".

  • After Bingo

    One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say to defend herself.

    "Well, Your Honour," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if he could fuck, he could fly!"

  • The Workmen

    The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help.

    "The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

    "Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade", said the company spokeswoman.

    Mother Superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel’".