The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Personal Ad

    An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

    They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

    "What happened?" she asks.

    "I’ve never been with a woman," he says, "but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get."

  • The Enchanted Frog

    The beautiful princess frequently wandered through the woods searching for an enchanted frog who might actually be a handsome prince under a spell. One day she found an exceptionally ugly frog. Picking it up, she asked, "Are you a prince under a spell? If I kiss you, will you turn back into a prince?"

    "Yes, I am, " the frog said. "But it’s a heck of a spell. It’ll probably take a blow job."

  • The Screw

    The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. 

    "Do you like to screw," he says. 

    "Huh" replied the surprised first date. 

    "My daughter she loves to screw and she’s good at it, you and her should go screw," carefully explained the father. 

    Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir." Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. 

    After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed "Dammit, Daddy, it’s the TWIST, get it straight!"

  • The Explorer

    An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I’m screwed."

    The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

    So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives…

    The voice booms out again, "Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed."

  • The Scotsman

    An old Scotsman is sitting with a younger Scottish gentleman and says the boy. "Ah, lad look out that window. You see that stone wall there, I built it with me own bare hands, placed every stone meself. But do they call me MacGregor the wall builder? No!

    He Takes a few sips of his beer then says, "Aye, and look out on that lake and eye that beautiful pier. I built it meself, laid every board and hammered each nail but do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No!

    He continues…"And lad, you see that road? That too I build with me own bare hands. Laid every inch of pavement meself, but do they call MacGregor the road builder? No!"

    Again he returns to his beer for a few sips, then says, "Agh, but you screw one sheep…"

  • The Octogenarian

    A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice."

    The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

    "Never Father, I’m Jewish."

    "So then, why are you telling me?"

    "I’m telling everybody."

  • The Fisherman & the Priest

    An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "no". He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father" .

    After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

    Priest: "Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please you mind your language?"

    Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called – a fucker!"

    Priest: "Oh, I’m sorry – I didn’t know."

    After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

    Priest: "Look at this big fucker"

    Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

    Priest: "No, you don’t understand – that’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"

    Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner."

    So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.

    Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"

    Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

    Bishop: "No, sister, that’s what the fish is called – a fucker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it."

    Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I’ll cook that fucker tonight."

    Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

    Priest: "I caught the fucker!"

    Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"

    Mother Superior: "And I cooked the fucker!"

    There’s absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up cigarette, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright."

  • The Old Woman

    An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish Sydney City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. The old woman sniffs the air. the young woman turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

    Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator. The old woman sniffs the air, and again is arrogantly turned on, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

    About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says … "Broccoli. 49 cents a kilo."

  • I’ll Do Anything

    A man was setting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

    The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I’ll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

    The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

    The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.

    He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

  • The Razor

    A lady swallowed a super Gillette razor blade and her doctor discovered that not only had she given herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy and a hysterectomy, but she also had castrated her husband, & circumcised her lover, taken two fingers off a casual acquaintance, given a vicar a hair lip — and there were still 5 shaves left!