The Monday Morning Mirth

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Sneeze

    A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet, which is getting ready to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.

    The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief.

    The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude, and if you do it again, I am going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

    He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

    The woman, disarmed by the man’s honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

    "Pepper," he answers.

  • The Lone Ranger

    Tonto and The Lone Ranger are riding across the prairie, when they are surrounded by 10,000 Comanche Indians. The Lone Ranger sets up in his saddle, looks around and says "Well Tonto, Looks like we’re surrounded!".

    Tonto looks around and says "What’s this "WE" shit, white boy?"

  • The Two Nuns

    Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

    "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

    "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

    "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

    "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

    "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

    So Sister Marilyn opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"

  • The Virgin

    There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

    "He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

    "He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don’t let him do that.

    "But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that, it will disgrace the family."

    With that bit of advice, the grand-daughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

    The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

    "But, she said, "Grandmother I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"

  • The Cremation

    A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

    She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

    She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

    Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes…"

  • Politics

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so call me Capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the nanny door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think, I understand the concept of politics now."

    The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words, what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

  • Jagermeister

    A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. 

    "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. 

    "6 shots! Are you celebrating something?" 

    "Yeah, my first blowjob."

    "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." 

    "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

  • Chinese Torture

    A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.

    "I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

    "Certainly", the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man".

    "OK,", said the man, and entered the house.

    Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

    Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

    He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

    "Chinese Torture 1….Large rock on chest.".

    "Well, that’s pretty crappy", he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about."

    He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.

    As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2…. Rock tied to left testicle."

    In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.

    Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.

    As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3….Right testicle tied to bed post."

  • Golfer or Skydiver

    What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

    Bad Golfer: "Whack!" "Fuck!"

    Bad Skydiver: "Fuck!!" "Whack!!"

  • Cyber Sex

    Online computer users sometimes engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed via keyboards and shared through the Internet get pretty raunchy. This one, however, somehow misses the boat…

    Dave (surname withheld) – Wellhung

    Online Cyber Slut – Sweetheart

    Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

    Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

    Wellhung: I’m 6’3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.

    Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

    Wellhung: OK

    Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

    Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.

    Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

    Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

    Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

    Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

    Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

    Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

    Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.

    Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

    Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

    Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?

    Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

    Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

    Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

    Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!

    Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

    Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

    Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

    Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

    Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

    Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

    Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

    Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.

    Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

    Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

    Sweetheart: Are you OK?

    Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

    Sweetheart: Can I help?

    Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

    Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

    Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.

    Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

    Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.

    Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.

    Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?

    Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

    Wellhung: I found it.

    Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.

    Wellhung: Me too.

    Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

    Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

    Sweetheart: Why don’t you take off your glasses?

    Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

    Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

    Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

    Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

    Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

    Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

    Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!

    Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

    Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

    Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

    Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.

    Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

    Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.

    Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

    Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

    Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

    Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.

    Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.

    Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

    Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.

    Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

    Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!

     

    Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

    Sweetheart: <logged off>