Tag: bed

  • The Wedding Night

    The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

    The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

    The electrician decided to wire the bed – with alternating current, of course.

    The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

    The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

    “DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I’M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE VASELINE!”

  • A Man on a Beach

    A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

    The man said, "Nothing, it’s just a bird, now go away!"

    The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excruciating pain."

    Where the hell am I?"

    A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over."

    "Well, what the hell happened to me?"

    "We don’t know, son.

    Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?"

    The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."

    The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was.

    The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?"

    "Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me.

    So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

  • An Old Arch-Bishop

    An old arch-bishop lay dying. He sent a message for Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the arch-bishop held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

    The arch-bishop grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything, both Gillard and Abbott were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the arch-bishop had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

    Finally, Gillard asked, "Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old arch-bishop mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go."

  • Drunk

    This bloke had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the bloke stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

    Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you’ve been out drinking again!"

    "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

    "The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again."

  • Lovers

    Three women talk about their husband’s performance as lovers.

    The first woman says, "My husband is a marriage counsellor, so he always buys me flowers and candy before we make love."

    The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and use leather sometimes."

    The third woman shakes her head and says, "My husband works for an Internet company. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it."

  • The Vegas Pro

    A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

    Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

    Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

    The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?"

    "Yes."

    "Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?"

    "Yes."

    "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?"

    "Yes."

    "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500."

    Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

    A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

    The hooker replies, "$1,500."

    "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!"

    The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500."

    The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

    Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

    The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

    "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

    "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

  • Where did “Piss Poor” come from?

    This is mostly bunkum but it makes for a good read.
    ______________________________
    ___________

    Where did "piss poor" come from?

    If you’re young and hip, this is still interesting.

    Us older people need to learn something new every day…

    Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

    Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting history.

    They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

    And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery…

    If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

    But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot…

    They "didn’t have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

    The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

    Here are some facts about the 1500’s

    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

    And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

    Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

    The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

    Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

    Last of all the babies.

    By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it, hence the saying, "Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!"

    Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

    It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

    When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof, hence the saying, "It’s raining cats and dogs."

    There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

    This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

    Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

    That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

    Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing..

    As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

    In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

    Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

    Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

    Hence the rhyme:

    “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

    Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

    When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

    It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

    They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

    Those with money had plates made of pewter.

    Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

    This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

    Bread was divided according to status..

    Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

    And guests got the top, or the upper crust.

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

    The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

    Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

    They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up, hence the custom; “holding a wake."

    England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

    So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

    When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had ben burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

    Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell" or was considered "a dead ringer."

    And that’s the truth 😉

  • Aussie Bush Etiquette

    I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time. This may be of especial interest to my many dedicated UK readers, who will no doubt be greatly reassured by the knowledge that we are maintaining social etiquette out here in the colonies…
     
    In General:

    • Never take an open stubby to a job interview…
    • Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
    • It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
    • If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
    • Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

    Eating Out:

    • When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
    •  If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    Entertaining at Home:

    • A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
    • Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    Personal Hygiene:

    • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
    • Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
    • Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

    Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

    • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
    • Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen..  Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

    Weddings:

    • Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    • For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance..
    • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    Driving Etiquette:

    • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
    • When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
    • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    • When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
  • The Virgin

    The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

    "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

    And then they made love for the first time.

    Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

    Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

    Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

    After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

    The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

    Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

    She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

    Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"

  • Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme

    Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme 200 ml (Personal Care) – Customer Review

    After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.

    I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

    At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

    Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

    Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me.

    This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

    Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…" Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)