The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: bed

  • Dear Dogs and Cats…

    Dear Dogs and Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

    I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance is not required.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

    To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

    To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

    1. They live here. You don’t.
    2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’nature.)
    3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

    4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

    Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
    1. Eat less
    2. Don’t ask for money all the time
    3. Are easier to train
    4. Normally come when called (well, OK, the cat thinks about it)
    5. Never ask to drive the car
    6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
    7. Don’t smoke or drink

    8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
    9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
    10. Don’t need a ‘gazillion’ dollar for college.

    And finally,
    11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

  • Mexican Words of the Day

    Mexican words of the day

    1. *Cheese*
    The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
    Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

    2. *Mushroom*
    When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

    3. *Shoulder*
    My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I
    shoulder.

    4. * Texas *
    My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

    5. *Herpes*
    Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

    6. *July*
    Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

    7. *Rectum*
    I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

    8. *Chicken*
    I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

    9. *Wheelchair*
    We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

    10. *Chicken* *wing*
    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

    11. *Harassment*
    My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
    harassment nothing to me.

    12. *Bishop*
    My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

    13. *Body wash*
    I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

    14. *Budweiser*
    That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

  • The Girls Night Out

    Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they approached the Bacardi Breezers with a little too much enthusiasm.

    Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with this. After the girls did their business, they continued on home.

    The next Day, one woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and Innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

    ‘These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.’

    ‘You think that’s bad’ said the other husband, ‘Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her butt that says: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you. ‘

  • 3:30 in the Morning

    A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock — it’s half-past three in the morning.

    "I’m not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren’t you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

    He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

    "No. Get lost, it’s half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

    He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you.

    Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s door to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?"

    "But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

    "It doesn’t matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

    So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

    So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

    And the stranger replies: "I’m over here, on your swing set."

  • The Iowa Duck Hunter

    An Iowa duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning in the field when he decided to take a leak…. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.  Just then, a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and it discharged…  shooting him in the genitals.

    Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

    "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you  to my brother."

    "Oh, well I guess that isn’t too bad," the man replied "is your brother a plastic surgeon?"

    "Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He’s a flute player in the local symphony….He’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye"

  • The Young Chinese Couple

    A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin also, but she doesn’t know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

    ‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.

    I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want.

    You juss ask. Whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

    She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I wanna try someting I hear about from the other girls… it called "NUMBAH 69!!".’

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

    Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her… ‘You want… a Garlic Chicken wif corrifrowa??’

  • The Sexual Urges of Men and Women

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear… "You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That’s fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don’t feel like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

    Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

  • A Drink Of Water

    A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

    "Da-ad…"

    "What?"

    "I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

    "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

    "Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad…"

    "WHAT?"

    "I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??"

    "I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!"

    "Five minutes later… "Daaaa-aaaad…"

    "WHAT??!!"

    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

  • ANZAC Bikkies

    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Anzac bikkies wafting up the stairs.

    He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

    Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

    Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Anzac bickies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula…

    "Fuck off" she said, "they’re for the funeral."

  • The Modest Man in Hospital

    An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

    Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

    In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

    A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

    As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

    The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost".