The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: bed

  • 1-2-3-4

    A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

    He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

    The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

    Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123,’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

    The guy then asks, "What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?"

    The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year."

    The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

    That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123;" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man had promised.

    His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say ‘123’ for?

  • The Escapee

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in 20 years.

    "I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

    To which the wife responds: "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

  • Tom as a Hen

    Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

    "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?…and who are you?" he asked.

    "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

    "WHAT! Are you saying I’m dead? I don’t want to die! I’m too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

    "It’s not that easy", said St. Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

    Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad.

    "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

    And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.

    "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

    "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

    "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That’s only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

    "How do I do that?" Tom asked.

    "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

    Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then ‘plop’ an egg was on the ground.

    "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.

    The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom!! For cryin’ out loud! Wake up! You’re shittin’ all over the bed!"

  • The Priest, the Preacher and the Rabbi

    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God’s Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

  • Putting the Dog Out

    A couple were going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, dressed, dog put out and ready to leave. The taxi arrives and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back into the house. They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her big, fat butt downstairs and tossed her into the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

    The silence in the cab was deafening!

  • Two Little Old Ladies

    Two little old ladies had been very long-time close friends. But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

    It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.

    When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don’t be holdin’ back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?"

    Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the care takers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."

    Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn’t that wonderful! Tell me all about it."

    Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs."

    Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it’s a blessing. I’m so glad for you Mrs. Cohen." Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?"

    Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?"

    "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below."

    Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then….?"

    Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we screw.

  • Facts About the 1500’s

    The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn’t just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

    Here are some facts about the 1500’s:

    Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence, the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water."

    Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It’s raining cats and dogs."

    There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. That posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

    The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence, the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying, a "thresh hold."

    In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence, the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

    Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon. "They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

    Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

    Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

    Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence, the custom of holding a "wake."

    England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer." And that’s the truth…

    Now, whoever said that History was boring!

  • What Women Want

    Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

    The question?….What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

    He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

    Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

    But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

    The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

    The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

    Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewerage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

    He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

    He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

    Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:

    What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.

    Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

    And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

    The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

    The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

    Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?

    Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

    What would YOU do?

    What Lancelot chose is below. BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

    Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

    Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now….what is the moral to this story?

    The moral is….. If you don’t let a woman have her own way….things are going to get ugly.

  • Being Eight Again

    A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

    "I’d love to be eight again," she replied.

    On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up and made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

    What a day! He put her on every ride in the Park: the Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every ride there was.

    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

    Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a happy meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M’s.

    What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

  • 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

    Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn’t allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web.

    1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I’m supposed to be working.
    2. My proper military title is ‘Specialist Schwarz’ not ‘Princess Anastasia’.
    3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
    4. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
    5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
    6. Not allowed to play ‘Pulp Fiction’ with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
    7. Not allowed to add ‘In accordance with the prophesy’ to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
    8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
    9. Not allowed to title any product ‘Get Over it’.
    10. Not allowed to purchase anyone’s soul on Government time.
    11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
    12. Not allowed to join any militia.
    13. Not allowed to form any militia.
    14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
    15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to ‘Sic Brass!’
    16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my ‘Sampson like powers’.
    17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
    18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous ‘Barbie Girl Dance’ while on duty.
    19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I’m right.
    20. Must not taunt the French any more.
    21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
    22. Must never call an SAS a ‘Wanker’.
    23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack.
    24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.
    25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.
    26. Never tell a German soldier that ‘We kicked your ass in World War 2!’
    27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
    28. Don’t take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).
    29. The Irish MPs are not after ‘Me frosted lucky charms’.
    30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.
    31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
    32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.
    33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
    34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.
    35. Not allowed to sing ‘High Speed Dirt’ by Megadeth during airborne operations. (‘See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I’m off to meet my maker’)
    36. Can’t have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn’t over).
    37. Our medic is called ‘Sgt Larwasa’, not ‘Dr. Feelgood’.
    38. Our supply Sgt is ‘Sgt Watkins’ not ‘Sugar Daddy’.
    39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
    40. I do not have super-powers.
    41. ‘Keep on Trucking’ is *not* a psychological warfare message.
    42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind’s baser instincts in recruitment posters.
    43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
    44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
    45. I am not allowed to ‘Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies’.
    46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
    47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.
    48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
    49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for ‘magic beans’.
    50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
    51. Not allowed to quote ‘Dr Seuss’ on military operations.
    52. Not allowed to yell ‘Take that Cobra’ at the rifle range.
    53. Not allowed to quote ‘Full Metal Jacket ‘ at the rifle range.
    54. ‘Napalm sticks to kids’ is *not* a motivational phrase.
    55. An order to ‘Put Kiwi on my boots’ does *not* involve fruit.
    56. An order to ‘Make my Boots black and shiny’ does not involve electrical tape.
    57. The proper response to a lawful order is not ‘Why?’
    58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we’ve all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.
    59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.
    60. ‘The Giant Space Ants’ are not at the top of my chain of command.
    61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean ‘I have been promoted three more times than you’.
    62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
    63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.
    64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.
    65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
    66. There is no ‘Anti-Mime’ campaign in Bosnia.
    67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
    68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to ‘Block out the space mind control lasers’.
    69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.
    70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.
    71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
    72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
    73. No military functions are to be performed ‘Skyclad’.
    74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
    75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.
    76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.
    77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don’t need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."
    78. I may not call block my chain of command.
    79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
    80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
    81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
    82. May not form any press gangs.
    83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about…."
    84. Must not use military vehicles to ‘Squish’ things.
    85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
    86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the ‘field of honor’.
    87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
    88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ‘Mom’.
    89. Must not refer to the Commander as ‘Dad’.
    90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.
    91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
    92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony ‘Romper Bomper Stomper Boo’ is probably not appropriate.
    93. Nerve gas is not funny.
    94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.
    95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.
    96. ‘Redneck Zombies’ is not a military training aid.
    97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
    98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not ‘Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.’
    99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.
    100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
    101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.
    102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".
    103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.
    104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.
    105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.
    106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.
    107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.
    108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
    109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.
    110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
    111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.
    112. When saluting a ‘leg’ officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh…sorry sir".
    113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ‘Full Monty’ every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
    114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
    115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.
    116. Crucifying mice – bad idea.
    117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.
    118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires – therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.
    119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
    120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.
    121. I should not use government resources to ‘waterproof’ dirty magazines.
    122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.
    123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
    124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
    125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
    126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
    127. ‘No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages’ does not imply that a Jack Daniel’s ® IV is acceptable.
    128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
    129. The Microsoft ® ‘Dancing Paperclip’ is not authorized to countermand any orders.
    130. ‘I’m drunk’ is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.
    131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
    132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.
    133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.
    134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.
    135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
    136. Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.
    137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.
    138. Even if my commander did it.
    139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.
    140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
    141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove ‘The Pen is Mightier than the sword’.
    142. ‘Calvin-Ball’ is not authorized PT.
    143. I do not need to keep a ‘range card’ by my window.
    144. ‘K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free’ is not an authorized uniform.
    145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
    146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
    147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.
    148. Putting red ‘Mike and Ike’s’ ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.
    149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.
    150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.
    151. The proper way to report to my Commander is ‘Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir’ not ‘You can’t prove a thing!’
    152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.
    153. I should not assign new privates to ‘guard the flight line’.
    154. Shouldn’t treat ‘piss-bottles’ with extra-strength icy hot.
    155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.
    156. I will no longer perform ‘lap-dances’ while in uniform.
    157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.
    158. The revolution is not now.
    159. When detained by MP’s, I do not have a right to a strip search.
    160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
    161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.
    162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.
    163. Take that hat off.
    164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
    165. I do not get ‘that time of month’.
    166. No, the pants are not optional.
    167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.
    168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
    169. Not even if they *are* ‘especially patriotic films’
    170. Not allowed to ‘defect’ to OPFOR during training missions.
    171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General’s helicopter.
    172. ‘A full magazine and some privacy’ is not the way to help a potential suicide.
    173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.
    174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it’s actually DOD policy).
    175. We do not ‘charge into battle, naked, like the Celts’.
    176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.
    177. I am not to refer to a formation as ‘the boxy rectangle thingie’.
    178. I am not ‘A lesbian trapped in a man’s body’.
    179. On Army documents, my race is not ‘Other’.
    180. Nor is it ‘Secretariat, in the third’.
    181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
    182. There is no FM for ‘wall-to-wall counseling’.
    183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
    184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something ‘I saw in a cartoon’.
    185. My name is not a killing word.
    186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
    187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.
    188. May not challenge officers to ‘Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn’.
    189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
    190. Must not make s’mores while on guard duty.
    191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
    192. The proper response to a briefing is not ‘That’s what you think’.
    193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.
    194. Shouldn’t take incriminating photos of my chain of command.
    195. Shouldn’t use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.
    196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
    197. I am not allowed to sing ‘Henry the VIII I am’ until verse 68 ever again.
    198. Not allowed to lead a ‘Coup’ during training missions.
    199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
    200. My chain of command is not interested in why I ‘just happen’ to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
    201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
    202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
    203. ‘To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
    204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."
    205. Don’t write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")
    206. Not allowed to get shot.
    207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
    208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.
    209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism…this was the same dinner.)
    210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.
    211. Don’t ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.
    212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don’t have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.
    213. Do not convince NCO’s that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.