The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: bed

  • The Tasmanian Couple

    After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

    A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.

    He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    "4"
    "5"

    …at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in New Zealand and some southern states of the USA.

  • The Law As It Should Be

    The Law as it should be.

    After an evening at the Theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed attractive lady walking just ahead of them. One of the men turned to the other and remarked, "I’d give £50 to spend the night with that woman". To their surprise the young lady heard the remark and turned saying, "I’ll take you up on that". She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so, bidding his companion goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her flat where they immediately went to bed. The following morning he dressed and presented her with 25 pounds and prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money stating "If you don’ t pay me the rest of the money I’ll sue you for it". He laughed saying "I’d like to see you get it on those grounds".

    The next morning he was surprised to receive a summons ordering his presence in court to defend a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained. His lawyer said "She can’t possibly get judgement against you on such grounds but it will be interesting to see how the case is presented".

    After the usual preliminaries the lady’s lawyer addressed the court thus: "Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a secluded spot surrounded by shrubbery which she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of £50.

    The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for I the purpose for which it was rented, but on vacating the premises he paid only £25, one half of the agreed amount. The rent was not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask that judgement be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.

    The defendant’s lawyer was much impressed and highly amused at the way his opponent had presented his case. His defence altered therefore, from the way he had originally planned to present it.

    "Your Honour", he said, “My client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a short while and a certain degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, and sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labour being performed by him. We claim that these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount of’ the said property. We therefore ask that no judgement be granted".

    Not to be outdone, the young lady’s lawyer came back with this sally: "You Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property and that he did make such improvements as my learned friend has described. However, had the defendant not known a well existed he would never have rented the property. Also, on vacating the premises the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but also left the hole much bigger than it was prior to his occupation, making it easily accessible to little children.

    We therefore ask that judgement be given.

    And she got it!

  • The Australian Olympic Swim Team

    A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she’s inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. 

    After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She’s really pleased to have met this guy. 

    At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! 

    After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. 

    The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can’t properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. 

    "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed – only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

  • Touchdown

    An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" "Touchdown. I’m ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I’m ahead 14 to 7." Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Touchdown, tie score." The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail. He can’t fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man craps in the bed. The wife asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time….switch sides."

  • How Yodelling Began

    Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?… Well, here ya’ go…. Back in the olden days, a man was travelling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house. Well as the story goes, the farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?" "That’s some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn." The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"? "Gee, no, I didn’t," the farmer answered. The daughter said, "Well, I’m going to take him some food." She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all dishevelled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep. A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked her husband why their daughter went to bed so early. "I don’t know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food." "Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?" "Umm, no, I didn’t," said the farmer. The wife then said, "I’m going to take something out there for him to drink." The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed. The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm. A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where’s the man from the barn?", she eagerly asked her father. Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago." "What?" she cried. "He left without saying goodbye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me." "What?" shouted the father. The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!" And that’s how Yodelling began.

  • World Domination

    World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villain I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world: 

    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones. 
    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 
    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 
    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 
    5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. 
    6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them. 
    7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I’ll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say "No." 
    8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 
    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. 
    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 
    11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 
    12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 
    13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 
    14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 
    15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 
    16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know." 
    17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 
    18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 
    19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father. 
    20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 
    21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 
    22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 
    23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 
    24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 
    25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 
    26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber. 
    27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 
    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 
    29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 
    30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 
    31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 
    32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 
    33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button. 
    34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 
    35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 
    36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 
    37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant. 
    38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. 
    39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 
    40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 
    41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. 
    42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 
    43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans. 
    44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 
    45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 
    46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor. 
    47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 
    48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 
    49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 
    50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks. 
    51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero’s cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 
    52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 
    53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. 
    54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 
    55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 
    56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. 
    57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual. 
    58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. 
    59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. 
    60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. 
    61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. 
    62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight. 
    63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. 
    64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. 
    65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. 
    66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. 
    67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. 
    68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again. 
    69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. 
    70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. 
    71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. 
    72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them. 
    73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. 
    74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. 
    75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. 
    76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) 
    77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. 
    78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." 
    79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. 
    80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. 
    81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. 
    82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. 
    83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 
    84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. 
    85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 
    86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. 
    87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 
    88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. 
    89. After I capture the hero’s super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. 
    90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. 
    91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. 
    92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) 
    93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. 
    94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. 
    95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard its an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. 
    96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. 
    97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. 
    98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. 
    99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. 
    100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

  • The Starter’s Pistol

    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself."

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter’s pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. Much to his delight, he discovers his wife is in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. The man, moments later, feels the building urge to unload. In order to startle himself, he fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    "Not so good, doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my cock and the mailman came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

  • Bob

    Bob called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl’s voice.

    "Hi, honey, it’s Daddy," said Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"

    "No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

    After a brief pause, Bob said, "But you don’t have an Uncle Frank, honey!"

    "Yes I do. He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

    "Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car just pulled up outside the house."

    "Okay, Daddy!"

    A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

    "And what happened?"

    "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead."

    "Oh my god! And what about Uncle Frank?"

    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he’s dead too."

    There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?"

  • Three Labradors

    Three Labrador retrievers – one brown, one yellow and one black – were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s office when they struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

    The brown lab replied, "I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed."

    The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

    "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

    The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

    The yellow lab said, "I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch."

    "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

    "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

    The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at the vet’s office?"

    "I’m a humper," the black lab said. "I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

    The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

    The black lab said, "No, I’m here to get my nails clipped."

  • Driving to Chicago

    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"

    Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

    Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".

    "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"

    Bob says, "I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!"