The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: bed

  • Politics Explained

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

  • Two Old Men

    Two old men decide they are close to their last day on earth and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference."

    Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up stairs and take care of their business. As they walked home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

    "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?"

    "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

    His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

    "A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?"

    "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window!!"

  • The Contemplative Husband

    A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What’s the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes, I do" she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".

    "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

    "I would have gotten out today."

  • Venus and Mars

    I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.

    And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

    One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said, "WHAT?" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

    The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.

    I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

    She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jeweller Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared.

    I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face … it went completely blank.

    I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

    I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during Spring 2006.

  • Surrogate Fathering

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I’m off. The man should be here soon".
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I’ve come to ……"
    "Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies."
    "That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too — you can really spread out!"
    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me."
    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results."
    "My, that’s a lot of ……" gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure."
    "Don’t I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
    "Oh, my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well — when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    "Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um… equipment?"
    "That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
    "Tripod??"
    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? — Good Lord, she’s fainted!"

  • How to Shower

    How to Shower – Like A Woman

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you’re getting fat.

    4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

    9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

    10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

    11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

    12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you freeze / roast

    13. Turn off shower.

    14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mould and Mildew Remover.

    15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

    16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack with nails/tweezers/stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.

    17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

    18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

    How to Shower – Like A Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).

    6. Wash your face.

    7. Wash your armpits.

    8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

    10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.

    11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

    12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

    14. Pee (in the shower).

    15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.

    16. Partially dry off.

    17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.

    18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

    19. Leave bathroom light on.

    20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Wey hey" sound.

    21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

  • The Travelling Salesman

    A travelling salesman is going through the country when his car breaks down. He goes to a nearby farmhouse and asks to use the phone.

    The farmer tells him, "We ain’t got a phone, but I’m headin’ into town tomorrow an’ you kin spend the night here. O’ course you’ll have to sleep in the same bed as my three sons, here."

    And the salesman says, "Wait a minute. I’m in the wrong joke."

  • Three Salesmen

    Three salesmen are on the way home from a sales conference when their car suddenly packs in. They walk to the nearest roadside inn and decide there and then that they’ll all just stay there for the night.

    They walk up to the reception desk, and the first salesman says, "Three single rooms for the night, please."

    The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry sir, all that we have left is one king-size room with one king-size bed."

    "Okay," says the first salesman, "shall we all just share, in that case?"

    No-one else has any problem with that, so they all accept the room and go to bed, and, due to the tiring nature of that day’s conference, fall asleep straight away.

    The next morning they all wake up together.

    "Oh my God!" screams the first one. "I’m so fucking embarrassed…I dreamt i was being jerked off by this gorgeous woman, and I’ve actually come in the bed!"

    The third guy, over on the other side of the bed, pipes up too. "Me as well! I had that same dream, and I’ve gone all over the place too!" Turning to the guy in the middle, he looks at him and asks "What about you? Surely all 3 of us couldn’t have had the same dream?"

    "Oh no, " declares the guy in the middle. "I had a nice dream that I was skiing…"

  • Fart Football

    An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

    The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

    After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

    Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

    Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed.

    The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

    The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

  • A Bed Wetting Solution

    This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

    He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."