The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: bed

  • Here’s How Things Worked Out For Me

    Here’s how things worked out for me.

    Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

    Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman.

    She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed…

  • Singing the Blues

    I’m not usually one for lists of this nature but this is a ripper…

    Understanding the Blues and or wanting to become an instant success is all about telling a story – if you can’t sing – that’s a plus. Now let’s get started on your new career (don’t forget to leave your sunny disposition as you prepare to be miserable:

    1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning…"
    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
    3. Da Blues is simple to write. After you got the first line sounding right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes – sort of: "Got’s me a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I gots a me a good woman wid da meanest face in town..yes yes,…..Gots teeth like Margaret Thatcher —–and she weigh 500 pound."
    4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch…ain’t no way out.
    5. Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, old Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in no Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is provided by a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
    6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet ‘causin they ain’t even lived yet. Adult loosers sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
    7. Being Blue can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N’awlins are still the best places to have the Blues and it could get terminal. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don’t get no rain.
    8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause you been skiing is not the Blues. Breakin’ yo leg ’cause a ‘gator be chomping on it is.
    9. You can’t have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster to git yo self in da mood.
    10. Good places for the Blues:
      a. highway
      b. jailhouse
      c. empty bed
      d. bottom of a whiskey glass
    11. Bad places for the Blues:
      a. Nordstrom’s
      b. gallery openings
      c. Ivy League institutions
      d. golf courses
    12. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old person, it’s black as the Ace of Spades, and you slept in it.
    13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? "Yes," if:
      a. you’re older than dirt
      b. you’re blind (real or rage)
      c. you shot a man in Memphis
      d. you can’t be satisfied

      "No," if:
      a. you have all your teeth
      b. you were once blind but now can see
      c. the man in Memphis lived
      d. you have a trust fund or a 401k

    14. Blues is not a matter of race or color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston might consider a career change. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
    15. If you ask for water and your darlin’ gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues creating beverages are:
      a. cheap wine
      b. whiskey or bourbon
      c. muddy water
      d. black coffee

      The following are NOT Blues beverages:
      a. Perrier
      b. Chardonnay
      c. Snapple
      d. Slim Fast

    16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting bigger tits or liposuction.
    17. Some Blues names for women:
      a. Sadie
      b. Big Mama
      c. Bessie
      d. Fat River Dumpling
    18. Some Blues names for men:
      a. Joe
      b. Willie
      c. Little Willie
      d. Big Willie
    19. Women with names like Amber, Jennifer, or Heather, and men with names like Todd, Alastair or Biff can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
    20. It doesn’t matter how tragic your life is, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

  • Tiger Woods

    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin."

    The husband replies, "That’s no big thing in this day and age."

    The wife continues, "Yeah, I’ve been with one guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

    "Yeah."

    "Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

    The husband and wife then make passionate love.

    When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" asks the wife.

    The husband says, "I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn’t do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He’d come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

    When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

    The husband says, "I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

    "Tiger wouldn’t do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He’d come back to bed and do it again."

    The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

    When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

  • A Priest, a Preacher and a Rabbi

    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk Shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment: they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

    "Well," he says, "I went into the woods To find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t Sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And, just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

    The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear."

  • The Mental Asylum

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

    "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

  • The Hypnotist

    A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone."

    "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

    His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ‘I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.’ It worked! The headaches are all gone."

    The husband replies, "Well, that’s wonderful."

    His wife then says, "You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

    The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don’t move, I’ll be right back."

    He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

    The husband says, "Don’t move! I’ll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

    Her husband again says, "Don’t move, I’ll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

    This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife."

    His funeral services will be held on Monday.

  • Childbirth Explained

    I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk a bout it, they’re welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.

    First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

    She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!

    Now the kid’s doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man."
    "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

    "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

    "Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push, and breathe, breathe.’" "They started counting, but never even got past ten."
    "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom’s play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

    Sometimes children help us see the world as it is meant to be.

  • Ron and Julie

    Dear Editor,

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and the health benefits that needed, because I had ceased to be the main bread-winner. Shortly after she started working, I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home in the evening from the golf course at about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club, so eating out at night is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

    She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her a couple of times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my experience as a teacher helps a lot. I feel that telling people what they ought to do is one of my motivational strong points…

    And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and play golf all day, come in dead tired and, after a two-hour nap and a good meal, I’m ready, if you know what I mean. Age has made her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that’s okay, I’m not complaining. Her satisfaction in that area is so important to a sensitive guy like me and, if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the heck… Now that she is older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. >Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says that she just can’t make another trip down those steps. I don’t make a big issue of this; as long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I’m willing to overlook it.
    Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday’s and Saturday’s poker club, or to Tuesday’s and Thursday’s bowling, I tell her kindly to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends, like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

    If I have had a really good day on the golf course and it has been wet and muddy, my clubs are often in a mess, so I let her clean them. You know…..get the grit off the grips and apply a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is very heavy, so I lift it out of the trunk of the car for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can’t lift heavy stuff as well as men. But I tell her that I don’t like to be wakened during my after-golf nap so, rather than bother me, she can put them back in the boot when she’s finished. I think that another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take them "for better or worse", so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is another of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. Last Sunday, she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawns. I tried not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I told her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she was making one for herself, she might as well make one for me too and then take her break by my hammock. That way, she could talk with me until I fell asleep.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way that I support Julie.
    I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.

    Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

    Yours, Ron

    EDITOR’S NOTE: Ron died suddenly on Thursday, February 6. He was found with a Galloway extra-long, 50-inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his posterior with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.
    She was released without charge on Friday, February 7.

  • “Sex” Frogs

    A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

    The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I’ll take one."

    The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

    1. Take a shower.
    2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
    3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
    4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".

    She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

    She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over."

    Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

    The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me closely frog, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!

  • The Man and the Sheep

    A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep.

    His wife is reading in bed. The man says, "This is the pig that I screw when you’ve got a headache".

    His wife retorts, "I think you’ll find that THAT is a sheep."

    The man replies, "I think you’ll find that I was talking to the sheep