The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: dad

  • Calvin

    Apparently, one in five people in the world is Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But I’m pretty sure it’s Calvin.

  • A “Phone Call”

    A Husband and Wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a PHONE CALL so that the kids will not decode…
    One day they had a fight and wife stopped talking to the husband and they were talking to each other thru kids.
    The husband said to his son – "Tell your mom that Daddy wants to make a ‘phone call’."
    Mother replies: "Tell your dad that the Network is down today".
    Dad replies: "Tell your mom that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone."
    Mother said to her son – "Tell your dad, if he dare go to a Public Phone, I will open a Call Center at home."


  • From the Mouths of Children…

    1) NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm Summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!"

    2) OPINIONS
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

    3) KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
    "Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle."

    4) MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?"

    5) POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
    "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
    "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
    The police. Is that right?"
    "Yes, that’s right," I told her.
    "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

    6) POLICE # 2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"

    7) ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    8) DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

    9) DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
    "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

    10) SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
    "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!"

    11) BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
    "What have you got there, dear?"
    With astonishment in a quiet young boy’s voice, he answered, "I think it’s Adam’s underwear."

  • Joe and the Dishes

    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it.
     
    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
     
    He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
     
    ‘Well, it’s quite simple, really,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.’
     
    And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
     
    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
     
    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.’
     
    ‘When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person to say anything at all during the meal has to do the dishes.’
     
    ‘No problem,’ he says. And in they go.
     
    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
     
    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
     
    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
     
    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
     
    So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
     
    No one says a word.
     
    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
     
    Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
     
    He looks at her mom..
     
    ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks.

    So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
     
    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.

    But still, Total silence.
     
    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to pour rain.
     
    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
     
    Suddenly the father shouted….

    ‘Okay, OKAY!!! I’ll do the fucking dishes!!!

  • Fried Chicken

    Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

    Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

    I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

    Guess where I am now?

  • Little Johnny and the new Baby

    Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.


    Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.

    Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

    Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

    The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie

    Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

    "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

    "That’s great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses".

  • The Daughter’s Vibrator

    As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’

    The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

    The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’

  • The Head

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just "a head"! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

    After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink !"

    The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

    The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly, the bar falls silent.

    The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should have quit while he was a head!"

  • Taking the Dog for a Walk

    A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

    "What does that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

    The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come and ask you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.

    Surprised, Dad asked, "Where’s Belle?"

    The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

  • The 50th Wedding Anniversary

    A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

    "Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one . . . "Sorry I’m running late . . . had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present."

    "Not to worry," said the dad . . "The important thing is that we’re all together today."

    Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you a present . . . sorry."

    "It’s nothing," said the father, "glad you were able to be here."

    Just then, the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was busy packing….so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.

    Again, the father said, "I really don’t care. At least the five of us are together today."

    During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there’s something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well . . . your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other . . .never got around to getting married."

    The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we’re bastards?"

    "Yep," said the dad . . . "and cheap ones too!