The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: dad

  • Daddy and Aunt Jane

    Little Johnny saw his dad’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane……..".

    At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Dan used to do when Daddy was in the Navy."

    Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

  • Studio Script Notes on “The Passion”

    Very funny satirical script notes written by Steve Martin (aka Stan) in The New Yorker March 5th

    From the New Yorker, The Back Page by Steve Martin

    STUDIO SCRIPT NOTES ON "THE PASSION"

    Dear Mel, We love, love the script! The ending works great. You’ll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights. -Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can’t seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing: I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn’t he use his superpowers to save himself? Our creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators: SPECTATOR ONE Why doesn’t he use his superpowers to save himself? SPECTATOR TWO He can only use his powers to help others, never himself.

    -Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say, and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud.

    -Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes, like the Last Supper bit: "Thursday, 7:43 P.M.," or "Good Friday, 5:14 P.M."

    -Love the repetition of "Is it I?" Could be very funny. On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little look of exasperation into the camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot.

    -Also, could he change water into wine in Last Supper scene? Would be a great moment, and it’s legit. History compression is a movie tradition and could really brighten up the scene. Great trailer moment, too.

    -Love the flaying.

    -Could the rabbis be Hispanic? There’s lots of hot Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the box office. Research says there’s some historical justification for it. -Possible title change: "Lethal Passion." Kinda works. The more I say it out loud, the more I like it.

    -Is there someplace where Jesus could be using an iBook? You know, now that I say it, it sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it. Maybe we start a shot in Heaven with Jesus thoughtfully closing the top? -Love the idea of Monica Bellucci as Mary Magdalene (yow!). Our creative people suggest a name change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little younger.

    -Love Judas. Such a great villain. Our creative people suggest that he’s a little complicated. Couldn’t he be one thing? Just bad? Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, thirty pieces of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think it’d be very simple to make him a "new millionaire." Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the audience can identify with. -Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description of the bystanders, there should be a space between the words "Jew" and "boy."

    -Merchandising issue: it seems the Cross image Has been done to death and is public domain-we can’t own it. Could the Crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota would be wrong, but maybe there’s a shape we can copyright, like a wagon wheel?

    -I’m assuming "The dialogue is in Aramaic" is a typo for "American." If not, call me on my cell, or I’m at home all weekend.

    By the way, I’m sending a group of staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally around the time of your picture’s release. Would love to invite your dad!

    See you at the movies!

    Yours, Stan

  • Politics Explained

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy say’s to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

  • The Father and Son Cannibals

    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

    Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there’s one."

    "No," said the father. "There’s not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait."

    Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he’s plenty big enough."

    "No," the father said. "We’d all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just wait."

    About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her."

    "No," said the father. "We’ll not eat her either."

    "Why not?" asked the son.

    "Because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

  • The World’s Funniest Joke

    LONDON (Reuters) – After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world’s funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

    In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people’s offerings.

    More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

    "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

    Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

    People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

    PATIENT: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

    DOCTOR: "I’ve got some cream for that."

    Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

    TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

    HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

    TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"

    Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

    A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’

    "But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."’

    Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

    "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

    "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

    "The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."’

    Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

    "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

    And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:

    "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’

    "The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    "The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’

    "The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk."’

    The survey revealed other fun facts:

    — Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

    — If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

    — The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."

    Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

  • The Family Poem

    Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three, 
    I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. 
    This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. 
    My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. 
    This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. 
    My daughter was my mother, for she was my father’s wife. 
    To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, 
    I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. 
    My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. 
    And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad. 
    For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother 
    To the widow’s grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother. 
    Father’s wife then had a son, who kept them on the run. 
    And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter’s son. 
    My wife is now my mother’s mother and it makes me blue. 
    Because, although she is my wife, she’s my grandma too. 
    If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. 
    And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild. 
    For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw –
    As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!! 

  • …and the Moral of the Story is…

    One day at the end of class little Gunner’s teacher had the class go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell a story; little Suzy raised her hand. 

    "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Suzy replied, "Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket." 

    Next was little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched." 

    Last was little Gunner. "My uncle Steve was a Marine; the helicopter he was in was shot down over enemy territory. As the only survivor, all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. First he drank the whiskey so the enemy couldn’t enjoy it. Unfortunately, he was quickly surrounded by a 100 soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." Teacher looked in shock at Gunner and asked if there was any possible moral to his story. "Yes sir", Gunner replied, "Don’t screw with Uncle Steve when he’s been drinking."

  • The Birds and the Bees

    A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don’t want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won’t tell me."

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

    "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there’s no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there’s no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really fuck, I’ll have nothing left to live for."

  • The Dishes

    Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

    Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

    Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I’LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

  • Politics

    A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

    Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so call me Capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the People. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the nanny door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think, I understand the concept of politics now."

    The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words, what you think politics is all about."

    The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."