The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Doctor

  • Jack Visits the Doctor

    Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

    After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment."

    Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

    Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."

    A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

    To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

    His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

    Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

  • The Toilet Seat

    Charlie’s wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

    About that time, Charlie got home and realised her predicament.

    They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.). Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before."

    The Doctor replied, "Actually, I’ve seen lots of them… I just never saw one mounted and framed before."

  • Young New Doctor

    A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?

    The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"

  • Disorder in the American Courts

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    _______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he does not know about  it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
    _______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ___________________________________________ _

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    And the best for last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

  • Senior Texting Code

    Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, these are the codes for you…

    ATD – At The Doctor’s

    BFF – Best Friend Fell

    BTW – Bring The Wheelchair

    BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth

    CBM – Covered By Medicare

    CUATSC – See You At The Senior Centre

    DWI – Driving While Incontinent

    FWB – Friend With Beta Blockers

    FWIW – Forgot Where I Was

    FYI – Found Your Insulin

    GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

    GHA – Got Heartburn Again

    HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement

    IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?

    LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out

    LOL – Living On Lipitor

    LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On

    OMMR – On My Massage Recliner

    OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

    ROFL…CGU – Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get UP

    SGGP – Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

    TTYL – Talk To You Louder

    WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?

    WTFA – Wet The Furniture Again

    WTP – Where’s The Prunes?

    WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

    LMGA – Lost My Glasses Again

    GLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

  • What is a Paraprosdokian?

    A "paraprosdokian" is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

    • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
    • If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
    • We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
    • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
    • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
    • The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    • Evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
    • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
    • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
    • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
    • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
    • I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
    • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
    • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:", I put, "DOCTOR." 
    • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
    • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
    • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 
    • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
    • I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
    • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
    • There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
    • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
    • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
    • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
    • Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
    • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
    • If you are supposed to learn from your mis

  • Little Johnny and the new Baby

    Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.


    Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.

    Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

    His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

    Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

    When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

    The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie

    Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

    "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

    "That’s great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses".

  • The Doctor’s Advice

    A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

    ‘Do you enjoy it?’, the doctor asked.

    ‘Actually, yes, I do.’

    ‘Does it hurt you?’ he asked.

    ‘No. I rather like it.’

    ‘Well, then,’ the doctor continued, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.’

    The woman was mystified. ‘What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?’

    ‘Of course,’ the doctor replied. ‘Where do you think politicians come from?’

  • At the Doctor

    A man went to see his doctor.

    "You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

    The man asked, "Why?"

    The doctor replied, "Because I’m trying to examine you!".

  • An Innovative Doctor

    A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

    The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded, "What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, she has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?

    The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"