The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Doctor

  • The Biopsy

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

    "Mrs. Ward, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your husband’s."

    "That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Ward.

    "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

    "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

    "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him."

  • “I’m Going to the Doctor”

    This old man in his eighties gets up and puts on his coat.
    His wife says, "Where are you going?"
    He said, "I’m going to the doctor."
    And she said, "Are you sick?"
    "No" he said, "I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
    So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
    He said," Where are you going?"
    She said, "I’m going to the doctor, too."
    He said, "Why?"
    She said, "If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get me a tetanus shot.

  • A Visit to the Doctor

    An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
    "There’s something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that."
    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
    The receptionist replied, "You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
    The man replied, "You shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
    The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
    "There’s something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
    "I can’t piss out of it," the man replied.

  • Questions by Attorneys

    Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

    "Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?"

    "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

    "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

    "Were you alone or by yourself?"

    "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

    "Did he kill you?"

    "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

    "How many times have you committed suicide?"

    Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

    Q: "She had three children, right?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "How many were boys?"

    A: "None."

    Q: "Were there any girls?"

    Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"

    A: "Yes."

    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?

    A: "I went to Europe, sir."

    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

    Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"

    A: "By death."

    Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

    Q: "Can you describe the individual?"

    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."

    Q: "Was this a male or female?"

    Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

    Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

    Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"

    A: "Oral."

    Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"

    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."

    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"

    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."

    Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"

    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval."

    Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"

    A: "I have been since early childhood."

    Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"

    A: "No."

    Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"

    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."

    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"

    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

  • The World’s Funniest Joke

    LONDON (Reuters) – After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world’s funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

    In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people’s offerings.

    More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

    "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

    Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

    People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

    PATIENT: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

    DOCTOR: "I’ve got some cream for that."

    Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

    TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

    HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

    TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"

    Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

    A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’

    "But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."’

    Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

    "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

    "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

    "The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."’

    Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

    "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

    And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:

    "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’

    "The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    "The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’

    "The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk."’

    The survey revealed other fun facts:

    — Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

    — If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

    — The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."

    Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

  • Carly and the Eye Doctor

    Carly went to the eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read lines of letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

    Carly was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper bag, cut out a hole to see through with one eye, put it on her head to cover up the appropriate eye, and asked her to read the letters again.

    As he did so, he noticed tears dripping from the bottom of the paper bag. "Look," said the doctor, "there’s no need to get so upset about needing glasses."

    "I know," she cried, "But I had my heart set on wire frames."

  • A Bed Wetting Solution

    This lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

    He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."

  • The Tasmanian Couple

    After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

    A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.

    He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    "4"
    "5"

    …at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in New Zealand and some southern states of the USA.

  • The Short Lady

    A VERY short lady goes to her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

    "Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies.

    "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it."

    Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office. "Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please you have to help me!"

    "Well, let’s have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.

    "Oh, yes, I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am this won’t hurt a bit."

    The short lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma’am, try that."

    She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That’s great, Doc, what did you do?!"

    To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your Wellington boots."

  • The Starter’s Pistol

    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself."

    That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter’s pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. Much to his delight, he discovers his wife is in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ’69’ position. The man, moments later, feels the building urge to unload. In order to startle himself, he fires the starter pistol.

    The next day, the man went back to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

    "Not so good, doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit 3 inches off my cock and the mailman came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"