The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: dog

  • The Bedouin and the Ventriloquist

    An American ventriloquist visiting Saudi Arabia walks Into a small village and sees a Bedouin (villager) sitting outside his tent patting his sheep dog. 

    He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Saudi  ‘Salaam, mind if I talk to your dog?’ 

    Bedouin: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid American.’

    Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going ?’

    Dog: ‘Yeah, doin’ all right.’ 

    Bedouin: (look of extreme shock) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Is this Bedouin your owner?’  (pointing at the Villager)

    Dog: ‘Yep’ 

    Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’ 

    Dog: ‘Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me Great food And takes me to the wadi (lake) once a week to play.’ 

    Bedouin: (look of utter disbelief)

    Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’

    Bedouin: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.’ 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

    Horse: ‘Cool’

    Bedouin: (absolutely dumbfounded) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’  (Pointing at the villager) 

    Horse: ‘Yep’

    Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? 

    Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the tent to protect me from hot sun.’

    Bedouin: (total look of amazement) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’

    Bedouin: (in a panic) "No no! The sheep’s a bloody liar!!"

  • The Fundamentalist Christian Dog

    This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specialising in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.

    This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about normal tricks. "Well," they said, "lets try this out." Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

    Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

  • Aussie Bush Etiquette

    I know that Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognised throughout the civilised world but we all need to be reminded from time to time. This may be of especial interest to my many dedicated UK readers, who will no doubt be greatly reassured by the knowledge that we are maintaining social etiquette out here in the colonies…
     
    In General:

    • Never take an open stubby to a job interview…
    • Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
    • It’s tacky to take an Esky to church.
    • If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
    • Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

    Eating Out:

    • When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
    •  If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    Entertaining at Home:

    • A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist..
    • Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    Personal Hygiene:

    • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
    • Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
    • Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

    Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

    • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
    • Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen..  Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

    Weddings:

    • Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    • For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance..
    • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

    Driving Etiquette:

    • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
    • When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
    • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    • When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

  • Reggie, Tank and the Two Elderly Ladies

    They told me the big black Lab’s name was Reggie, as I looked at him lying in his pen. The shelter was clean, no-kill, and the people really friendly. I’d only been in the area for six months, but everywhere I went in the small college town, people were welcoming and open. Everyone waves when you pass them on the street.
        
    But something was still missing as I attempted to settle in to my new life here, and I thought a dog couldn’t hurt. Give me someone to talk to. And I had just seen Reggie’s advertisement on the local news. The shelter said they had received numerous calls right after, but they said the people who had come down to see him just didn’t look like "Lab people," whatever that meant. They must’ve thought I did.

    But at first, I thought the shelter had misjudged me in giving me Reggie and his things, which consisted of a dog pad, bag of toys almost all of which were brand new tennis balls, his dishes and a sealed letter from his previous owner.

    See, Reggie and I didn’t really hit it off when we got home. We struggled for two weeks (which is how long the shelter told me to give him to adjust to his new home). Maybe it was the fact that I was trying to adjust, too. Maybe we were too much alike.

    I saw the sealed envelope. I had completely forgotten about that. "Okay, Reggie," I said out loud, "let’s see if your previous owner has any advice."

    To Whomever Gets My Dog:

    Well, I can’t say that I’m happy you’re reading this, a letter I told the shelter could only be opened by Reggie’s new owner. I’m not even happy writing it. He knew something was different.

    So let me tell you about my Lab in the hopes that it will help you bond with him and he with you.

    First, he loves tennis balls. The more the merrier. Sometimes I think he’s part squirrel, the way he hoards them. He usually always has two in his mouth, and he tries to get a third in there. He hasn’t done it yet. Doesn’t matter where you throw them, he’ll bound after them, so be careful. Don’t do it by any roads.

    Next, the commands he’s learned. Reggie knows the obvious ones —"sit," "stay," "come," and "heel."

    He knows hand signals, too: He knows "ball" and "food" and "bone" and "treat" like nobody’s business.

    Feeding schedule: twice a day, regular store-bought stuff; the shelter has the brand.

    He’s up on his shots. Be forewarned: Reggie hates the vet. Good luck getting him in the car. I don’t know how he knows when it’s time to go to the vet, but he knows.

    Finally, give him some time. It’s only been Reggie and me for his whole life. He’s gone everywhere with me, so please include him on your daily car rides if you can. He sits well in the backseat, and he doesn’t bark or complain. He just loves to be around people, and me most especially.

    And that’s why I need to share one more bit of info with you… His name’s not Reggie. He’s a smart dog, he’ll get used to it and will respond to it, of that I have no doubt. But I just couldn’t bear to give them his real name. But if someone is reading this .. well it means that his new owner should know his real name. His real name is "Tank." Because, that is what I drive.

    I told the shelter that they couldn’t make "Reggie" available for adoption until they received word from my company commander. You see, my parents are gone, I have no siblings, no one I could’ve left Tank with … and it was my only real request of the Army upon my deployment to Iraq, that they make one phone call to the shelter … in the "event" … to tell them that Tank could be put up for adoption. Luckily, my CO is a dog-guy, too, and he knew where my platoon was headed. He said he’d do it personally. And if you’re reading this, then he made good on his word.

    Tank has been my family for the last six years, almost as long as the Army has been my family. And now I hope and pray that you make him part of your family, too, and that he will adjust and come to love you the same way he loved me.

    If I have to give up Tank to keep those terrible people from coming to the US I am glad to have done so. He is my example of service and of love. I hope I honored him by my service to my country and comrades.

    All right, that’s enough. I deploy this evening and have to drop this letter off at the shelter. Maybe I’ll peek in on him and see if he finally got that third tennis ball in his mouth.

    Good luck with Tank. Give him a good home, and give him an extra kiss goodnight – every night – from me.

    Thank you,

    Paul Mallory

    I folded the letter and slipped it back in the envelope. Sure, I had heard of Paul Mallory, everyone in town knew him, even new people like me. Local kid, killed in Iraq a few months ago and posthumously earning the Silver Star when he gave his life to save three buddies. Flags had been at half-mast all summer.

    I leaned forward in my chair and rested my elbows on my knees, staring at the dog.
    "Hey, Tank," I said quietly

    The dog’s head whipped up, his ears cocked and his eyes bright.

    "C’mere boy."

    He was instantly on his feet, his nails clicking on the hardwood floor. He sat in front of me, his head tilted; searching for the name he hadn’t heard in months. "Tank," I whispered.

    His tail swished.

    I kept whispering his name, over and over, and each time, his ears lowered, his eyes softened, and his posture relaxed as a wave of contentment just seemed to flood him. I stroked his ears, rubbed his shoulders, buried my face into his scruff and hugged him.

    "It’s me now, Tank, just you and me. Your old pal gave you to me." Tank reached up and licked my cheek.

    "So whatdaya say we play some ball?" His ears perked again.

    "Yeah? Ball? You like that? Ball?"

    Tank tore from my hands and disappeared into the next room. And when he came back, he had three tennis balls in his mouth.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Good on you for lasting this long – great story, but I can understand you might be thinking, "That’s not Mirth!"

    So here you go:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don’t get mad at me….. I know we’ve been friends for a long time….. but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

  • Yet Another Diagnostic Computer

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

    Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

  • 101 Ways to Really Annoy People

    1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

    3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…"

    5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

    6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

    7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

    8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

    10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

    11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    12. Sniffle incessantly.

    13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    14. Name your dog "Dog."

    15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

    16. Reply to everything someone says with "that’s what YOU think."

    17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

    18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

    19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

    20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

    21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

    22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

    23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

    26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

    27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

    28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.

    29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

    31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

    32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

    34. Drum on every available surface.

    35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

    37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

    38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

    39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

    40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

    41. Set alarms for random times.

    42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

    43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

    44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

    45. Honk and wave to strangers.

    46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

    47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

    48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

    49. Wear your pants backwards.

    50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

    51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

    52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

    53. only type in lowercase.

    54. dont use any punctuation either

    55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

    56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

    59. Write "X – BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.

    60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

    61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

    62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

    63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

    64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

    65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

    66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

    68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

    69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    70. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

    71. Pretend your computer’s mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

    72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

    73. Drive half a block.

    74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    75. Ask people what gender they are.

    76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

    77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

    78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

    79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

    80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

    81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

    82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

    83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

    84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

    85. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.

    86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

    87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

    88. Sing along at the opera.

    89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

    90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-

    batter!"

    91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

    92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.

    93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

    94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

    95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

    96. Never make eye contact.

    97. Never break eye contact.

    98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

    99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

    100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

    101. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.

  • The Worst Day of My Life

    There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

    "Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

    "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

    "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I’m a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me…"

    "…So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!… But enough about me, how’s your day going?"

  • She’s Single…

    She’s single…

    She lives right across the street.

    I can see her house from my family room.
     
    I watched as she got home from work this evening.

    I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

    She knocked on my door…

    I rushed to open it.
     
    She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny!  I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!  Are you busy tonight?”
     
    I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free… I have no plans at all!”
     
    Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?"
     
    It’s no fun getting old!!!

  • Christmas

    We had grandma for Christmas dinner ?
    Really, we had turkey !

    Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?
    You get tinsel-itus !

    What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
    Tarzipan !

    Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ?
    No you can have turkey like everyone else !

    What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?
    My pop is bigger than yours !

    Who is never hungry at Christmas ?
    The turkey – he’s always stuffed !

    What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
    Claustrophobic.

    What’s a good holiday tip?
    Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

    Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
    Because every buck is dear to him.

    How does Al Gore’s household keep Christmas politically correct?
    On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

    What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
    Sandy Claus!

    What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
    Santa caught in a revolving door!

    Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
    Because it "soots" him!

    How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
    Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

    Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
    You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

  • Teacher

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
    ____________________________________
     
    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: Maria.
    ____________________________________
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
    TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    ____________________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
    __________________________________
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    (Love it!!!)
    __________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
    _______________________________________
    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I ‘
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
    MILLIE: OK… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
    ________________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
    ______________________________________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ______________________________
     
    TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
    ___________________________________
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher.
    __________________________________