The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: dog

  • The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

    1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss’s car.

    3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

    10. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

    11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

    19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

    21. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    22. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    23. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    24. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    25. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    26. The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you’d know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    We hope this clears up any confusion,

    The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

  • From the Mouths of Children…

    1) NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm Summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!"

    2) OPINIONS
    On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

    3) KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
    "Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle."

    4) MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?"

    5) POLICE # 1
    While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
    "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
    "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
    The police. Is that right?"
    "Yes, that’s right," I told her.
    "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

    6) POLICE # 2
    It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What’d he do?"

    7) ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    8) DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit." "And why not, Darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

    9) DEATH
    While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
    "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

    10) SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
    "I’m just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!"

    11) BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
    "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
    "What have you got there, dear?"
    With astonishment in a quiet young boy’s voice, he answered, "I think it’s Adam’s underwear."

  • Analogies and Metaphors

    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners.

    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

    Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

  • Productive Salesmanship

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

    They were very excited. Their weekend homework was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold biscuits and I made $30," she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success…”

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

    Eventually it was Little Johnny’s turn.

    The teacher held her breath as Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk.

    "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes?!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "Easy… I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip Stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing."

    "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

    “Then I would say, It is dog shit. Guess you’ll wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the Government’s strategy of giving them something shitty for free and then making them pay to get the taste out of their mouth."

  • Analalogies and Metaphors in High School Essays

    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year’s winners.

    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

    She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

    He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

    Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

    The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

    He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

    The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

    He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

  • A Tourist Visiting Dallas

    While sightseeing, a tourist visiting Dallas, Texas came upon a wild dog attacking a little girl. He swiftly caught the animal and strangled it with his bare hands.

    A reporter who witnessed the event applauded the tourist’s actions and told him the newspaper headline of the next day would be, "Courageous Hometown Man Rescues Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

    The brave man told the reporter that he wasn’t from Dallas.

    "All right, then," the reporter said, "the headline will most likely read, ‘Brave Texas Man Rescues Child by Killing Dog’."

    "As a matter of fact," the man replied, "I am not from Texas but from Vermont."

    "Well, in that case," the reporter replied huffily, "the headline will say, ‘Thoughtless Yankee Slays Beloved Family Pet’."

  • Bored?

    Things you can do with absolutely nothing…

    Push your eyes for interesting light show:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things – is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

    See how long you can hold your breath:
    (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

    Try to not think about polar bears:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

    Scratch yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

    Hurt yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

    Try to swallow your tongue:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.

    Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

    Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

    Things you can do with very little:

    See what’s in your neighbour’s trash:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

    Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

    Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
    (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a prank phone call, too.

    Make prank phone calls:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember – vulgarities don’t make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald’s, try to make reservations.

    Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
    (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

    Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it’s a cliff:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don’t step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and… AHHHHHH!!!!!

    Burn things with a magnifying glass:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don’t like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

    Things you can do with another person:

    Have a water drinking contest:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won’t feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

    Stare at the back of someone’s head until they turn around:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I’m being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment–does this really work?

    Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

    Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2′ high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It’s never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

    Pull out a hair, stick in someone’s ear:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can’t blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

    Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person’s neck:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you’re not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

  • Productive Salesmanship

    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next:

    "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s  turn.

    The teacher held her breath…

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

    They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

    Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

    "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

  • Another Shipwreck

    A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.  Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

    After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

    After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

    But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

    The only survivor was Elle MacPherson.

    That evening, the man brought Elle to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening -red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze – perfect for a night of romance.  Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those feelings’ again…

    He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Elle and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Elle batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

    He said, ‘Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?’

  • Rotweiler

    A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?"

    "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"

    "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…"

    "What are you talkin’ about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"

    "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!"