The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: dog

  • The Cowboy and the Yuppie

    A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Munich, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

    "That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his BMW.

    Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You’re a consultant." says the cowboy.

    "Wow! That’s correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; then you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I didn’t ask; and you don’t know anything about my business."

    "..Now give me back my dog."

  • Quickies

    1. Two peanuts walk into a bar.
      One was asalted.
    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
      The barman says "I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything."
    3. A sandwich walks into a bar.
      The barman says, "Sorry we don’t serve food in here."
    4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
      says:
      "A beer please, and one for the road."
    6. Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
      The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was brilliant.
    7. "Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.’"
      "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
      "Is it common?"
      "It’s not unusual."
    8. Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
      Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
      "I don’t believe you," said Dolly.
      "It’s true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
    9. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
      The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."
    10. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
      One says, "I’ve lost my electron."
      The other says, "Are you sure?"
      The first replies, "Yes, I’m positive. . ."
    11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before.
    12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
      "My dog’s cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
      "Well" says the vet, "let’s have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and
      examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I’m going to
      have to put him down."
      "What? Because he’s cross-eyed?"
      "No, because he’s really heavy."
    13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find
      any.
    14. I went to the butchers the other day and I offered to bet him $50.00
      that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.
      He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’
    15. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
      A fsh!

  • The Commuter Plane

    Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They’re getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off. The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

    In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."

  • The Retrosexual Man

    Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I’ve taken all I can stand and I can’t stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, Redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual…

    Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "

    The Code:

    A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

    A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

    A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

    A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

    A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear – that’s it!!

    A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he’s shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly – not on the side like a faggot. Blokes and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!

    A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

    A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

    A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

    A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain’t worth it.

    A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

    A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

    A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie — and ONLY a Windsor knot.

    A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

    A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can — or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

    A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it’s just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin’ up".

    Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Holden ute.

    When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.

    A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship – i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.

    A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

    A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his ute–that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man’s options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

    A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt’s) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

    A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract — a handshake is good enough.

    A Retrosexual man doesn’t immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

  • Being Eight Again

    A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.

    "I’d love to be eight again," she replied.

    On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up and made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

    What a day! He put her on every ride in the Park: the Death Slide, The Wall of Fear, The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every ride there was.

    Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

    Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a happy meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M’s.

    What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

  • The Fire Truck

    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

    That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

    "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

    "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar too, I think you could go faster."

    The little girl replies thoughtfully, " You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren."

  • Indian Headdresses

    While touring an Indian reservation filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

    So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and his reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."

    Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

    Still not convinced the feathers indicated number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

    Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

    The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said "Me Chief, me sleep with em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."

    Horrified, Ms. Walters shouted, "You ought to be hung."

    The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung. Big like buffalo and long like snake."

    Ms. Walters retorted, "You don’t have to be hostile."

    The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style…me sleep with em all."

    With tears of frustration in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

    The Chief responded : "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast!!”

  • The Australian Ventriloquist

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.

    Ventriloquist: "G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
    New Zealander: "The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how’s it going old mate?"
    Dog: "Doin’ alright."
    New Zealander: extreme look of shock
    Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
    Dog: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    New Zealander: look of disbelief
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how’s it going?"
    Horse: "Cool."
    New Zealander: extreme look of shock
    Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
    Horse: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How’s he treat you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
    New Zealander: total look of amazement
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    New Zealander: "THE SHEEP’S A LIAR."

  • The Telephone and the Dog

    It’s common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be signalled without disturbing each other.

    An elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog.

    He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.

    Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground post via an iron chain and collar.

    2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.

    3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the ground.

    4. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.

    Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them. But only temporarily.

  • A Little Old Lady’s Groceries

    A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said

    "I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

    The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

    The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

    The little old lady said, "It is!. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"