The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Drunk

  • Drunk

    This bloke had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the bloke stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

    Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

    When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

    He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you’ve been out drinking again!"

    "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

    "The pub called — you left your wheelchair there again."

  • She’s Single…

    She’s single…

    She lives right across the street.

    I can see her house from my family room.
     
    I watched as she got home from work this evening.

    I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

    She knocked on my door…

    I rushed to open it.
     
    She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny!  I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!  Are you busy tonight?”
     
    I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free… I have no plans at all!”
     
    Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?"
     
    It’s no fun getting old!!!

  • Things that are Difficult to Say when you’re Drunk

    Things that are difficult to say when you’re drunk…

    •  Innovative
    •  Preliminary
    •  Proliferation
    •  Cinnamon

    Things that are VERY difficult to say when you’re drunk…

    •  Specificity
    •  British Constitution
    •  Passive-aggressive disorder
    •  Transubstantiate

    Things that are Absolutely Impossible to say when you’re drunk…

    •  Thanks, but I don’t want to sleep with you.
    •  Nope, no more booze for me.
    •  Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
    •  No kebab for me, thank you.
    •  Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
    •  I’m not interested in fighting you.
    •  Oh, I just couldn’t – no one wants to hear me sing.
    •  Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I’d hate to look like a fool.
    •  Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
    •  I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

  • The Attorney & the Drunk

    An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."

    Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

    Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

    The drunk replied, "I don’t know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

    The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

    So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don’t know what it is. Where did you get it?"

    The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."