The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: fart

  • Farting Loudly

    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

    The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

    Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

    She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

    The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

    She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

  • How to Shower

    How to Shower like a woman

    Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

    Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

    If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

    Get in the shower.

    Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

    Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

    Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

    Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

    Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

    Rinse conditioner off hair.

    Shave armpits and legs.

    Turn off shower.

    Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

    Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

    Get out of shower.

    Dry with towel the size of a small country.

    Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

    Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    How To Shower Like a Man

    Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    Walk naked to the bathroom.

    If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

    Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

    Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

    Get in the shower.

    Wash your face.

    Wash your armpits.

    Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

    Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

    Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

    Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

    Wash your hair.

    Make a Shampoo Mohican

    Wee.

    Rinse off and get out of shower.

    Partially dry off.

    Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

    Admire willy size in mirror again.

    Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

     If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

    Throw wet towel on bed.

  • President Obama in London

    As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

    They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

    Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

    The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets… I  am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

    Obama, always trying to be "Presidential", replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought… Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

  • The Exclusive Nudist Colony

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Did you call for me?". The man replies "No, what do you mean?"

    She says "You must be new here, let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me". Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room towards him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new" says the hairy man, "It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

    The man yells, "Here’s my membership card, you can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee". "But Sir", she replies, "You’ve only been here for a few hours, you haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities."

    The man replies, "Listen lady, I’m 68 years old, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day, I’m outta here."

  • How to Shower

    How to Shower – Like A Woman

    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you’re getting fat.

    4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

    5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

    7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

    9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

    10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

    11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

    12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you freeze / roast

    13. Turn off shower.

    14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mould and Mildew Remover.

    15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

    16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack with nails/tweezers/stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.

    17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

    18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

    How to Shower – Like A Man

    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).

    6. Wash your face.

    7. Wash your armpits.

    8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

    10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.

    11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

    12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

    14. Pee (in the shower).

    15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.

    16. Partially dry off.

    17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.

    18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

    19. Leave bathroom light on.

    20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Wey hey" sound.

    21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

  • Monty Python’s Philosopher’s Song

    I always wanted to know the words to Monty Python’s Philosopher’s Song. Here they are, forever on Grime:

    Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
    Who was very rarely stable
    Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
    Who could think you under the table
    David Hume could out consume Schopenhauer and Hegel
    And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
    Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel

    There’s nothing Nietzche couldn’t teach ya
    ‘Bout the raising of the wrist
    Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed

    John Stuart Mill, of his own free will
    On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
    Plato they say, could stick it away
    Half a crate of whiskey every day
    Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle
    Hobbes was fond of his dram
    And Rene’ Descartes was a drunken fart
    "I drink, therefore I am"

    Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed
    A lovely little thinker
    But a bugger when he’s pissed

  • A Lady Walks in to a BMW Dealership

    A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.

    As she turns, there standing next to her, is a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

    Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madame, it would be prudent of me not to say. If you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

  • Next Time You’re in a Car

    Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light, look at the guy in the car next to you. Roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down, look at him and yell:

    "Oh, did you fart, too?"

  • Fart Football

    An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

    The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

    A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

    After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

    Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

    Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he shits the bed.

    The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

    The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

  • Touchdown

    An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, "Seven points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" "Touchdown. I’m ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown I’m ahead 14 to 7." Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says "Touchdown, tie score." The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail. He can’t fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart. Straining real hard, the old man craps in the bed. The wife asks, "What in the world was that?" The old man replies, "Half-time….switch sides."