The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: fart

  • The Avon Lady

    An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
    Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator. He began to sniff.
    The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
    "Why, yes, I do," he replied.
    "What does it smell like?"
    "Hmmm, I’m not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."

  • The Fisherman & the Priest

    An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "no". He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father" .

    After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says, "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

    Priest: "Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please you mind your language?"

    Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I’m sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called – a fucker!"

    Priest: "Oh, I’m sorry – I didn’t know."

    After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.

    Priest: "Look at this big fucker"

    Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."

    Priest: "No, you don’t understand – that’s what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"

    Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner."

    So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.

    Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"

    Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"

    Bishop: "No, sister, that’s what the fish is called – a fucker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we’d like you to cook it."

    Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I’ll cook that fucker tonight."

    Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

    Priest: "I caught the fucker!"

    Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"

    Mother Superior: "And I cooked the fucker!"

    There’s absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up cigarette, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright."

  • Sherry or Port

    A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a drink.

    He asked whether she preferred Sherry or Port and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.

    "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."