The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: fun

  • Randy the Rooster

    A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

    The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

    WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he’s been on every animal on the farm.

    The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day.

    Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

    The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

    Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they’re getting closer." 

     


     

  • The Bedouin and the Ventriloquist

    An American ventriloquist visiting Saudi Arabia walks Into a small village and sees a Bedouin (villager) sitting outside his tent patting his sheep dog. 

    He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Saudi  ‘Salaam, mind if I talk to your dog?’ 

    Bedouin: ‘The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid American.’

    Ventriloquist: ‘Hello dog, how’s it going ?’

    Dog: ‘Yeah, doin’ all right.’ 

    Bedouin: (look of extreme shock) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Is this Bedouin your owner?’  (pointing at the Villager)

    Dog: ‘Yep’ 

    Ventriloquist: ‘How does he treat you?’ 

    Dog: ‘Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me Great food And takes me to the wadi (lake) once a week to play.’ 

    Bedouin: (look of utter disbelief)

    Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your horse?’

    Bedouin: ‘Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think.’ 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Hey horse, how’s it going?’

    Horse: ‘Cool’

    Bedouin: (absolutely dumbfounded) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Is this your owner?’  (Pointing at the villager) 

    Horse: ‘Yep’

    Ventriloquist: How does he treat you? 

    Horse: ‘Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the tent to protect me from hot sun.’

    Bedouin: (total look of amazement) 

    Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if I talk to your sheep?’

    Bedouin: (in a panic) "No no! The sheep’s a bloody liar!!"

  • She’s Single…

    She’s single…

    She lives right across the street.

    I can see her house from my family room.
     
    I watched as she got home from work this evening.

    I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

    She knocked on my door…

    I rushed to open it.
     
    She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny!  I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!  Are you busy tonight?”
     
    I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free… I have no plans at all!”
     
    Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?"
     
    It’s no fun getting old!!!

  • Viagra Slogans

    The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.  The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

    About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

    10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

    9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

    8. Viagra, like a rock !

    7. Viagra, This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.

    6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

    5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

    4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

    3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

    2. Viagra, We bring Good things to Life!

    And the unanimous number one slogan:

    1. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

  • An Out of Work Mime

    One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.

    He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

    So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

    At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

    The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

  • On a Chain of Beautiful Deserted Islands…

    On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, the following people are stranded:

    • Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
    • Two French men and one French woman.
    • Two German men and one German woman.
    • Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
    • Two British men and one British woman.
    • Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
    • Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
    • Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
    • Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
    • Two Canadian men and one Canadian woman.

    One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

    • One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    • The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage à trois.
    • The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
    • The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
    • The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
    • The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
    • The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
    • The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
    • The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whisky. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
    • The two Canadian men are contemplating suicide, because the Canadian woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

  • Bored?

    Things you can do with absolutely nothing…

    Push your eyes for interesting light show:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) See a variety of blobs, stars and flashes. Try to make out things – is your subconscious trying to send you a message? Can you control what you see by pressing different areas with different forces? Would it be possible to somehow see the same effects on TV? Or for that matter, watch TV with your eyes shut doing this?

    See how long you can hold your breath:
    (Amusement Potential: 4-20 minutes) Not that much fun, but it sure passes the time. Play with a friend, or try to beat your own personal best. Some tips: hyperventilate before hand, and stay as still as possible.

    Try to not think about polar bears:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) This is especially hard, because by trying too much, you remember what you were trying to avoid thinking of. If you try too little, you end up thinking about polar bears anyway.

    Scratch yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Go ahead, scratch yourself now. Even if nothing itches, go ahead. Doesn’t that feel pretty good?

    Hurt yourself:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) What is pain? Why is it unpleasant? There’s nothing physical about it – it’s all in your mind. Plus, after pinching yourself for awhile, boredom will seem nice next to being in pain.

    Try to swallow your tongue:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) There’s not much to say about this one. It is possible.

    Look at something for awhile, shut eyes, study after image:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) Another great time waster. It takes about 30 seconds of staring to create an after image, and the image is then viewable for about the same length of time. Fun to combine this one with pushing on your eyes.

    Get yourself as nauseated as possible:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Best achieved by looking straight up and spinning around. Try to be so dizzy you can’t even stand up. This is also entertaining due to the "makes boredom seem a lot better" effect (see "Hurt Yourself").

    Things you can do with very little:

    See what’s in your neighbour’s trash:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-30 minutes) You can learn a lot about people by what they throw out. You might uncover some dark secret about them. Plus, they might be throwing out something with value that still works, like a VCR.

    Watch TV, repeat everything said in Italian accent:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) Sort of entertaining. Fun to pretend the people on the screen are actually talking that way.

    Call up people who write editorials you disagree with:
    (Amusement Potential: 15-60 minutes) I’m surprised no one has thought of this before. Unleash your fury on the person who had the nerve to write a letter like that! I’m pretty sure it doesn’t qualify as a prank phone call, too.

    Make prank phone calls:
    (Amusement Potential: 20-60 minutes) Very entertaining, but requires discipline. Remember – vulgarities don’t make a call funny, but getting the other person to believe a ridiculous story will. Even more fun if you get a bunch of people on the line using a Wonderphone and take turns making the calls. One to get you started off: Call McDonald’s, try to make reservations.

    Pretend all humans will die except for people in the room with you:
    (Amusement Potential: 10-20 minutes) What would you do if this really happened? Would the group stay together, or would there be factions? Who would join what group? Remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. To travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. Best to do with people you know.

    Step off a curb with eyes shut, imagine it’s a cliff:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) To get any benefit out of this one, you have to have a good imagination. Don’t step off immediately, build up to the jump. Study the ravine below. Feel the winds at that altitude. Step off and… AHHHHHH!!!!!

    Burn things with a magnifying glass:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-30 minutes) Ants are always fun to use for this, but burning the face of someone you don’t like, under some circumstances, can be just as entertaining.

    Things you can do with another person:

    Have a water drinking contest:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-10 minutes) While the competition is fun, you probably won’t feel too good afterward. To give your event an old western theme, slam the cups upside down on the tables after you have emptied them.

    Stare at the back of someone’s head until they turn around:
    (Amusement Potential: 2-5 minutes) This works on the "I have the feeling I’m being watched" principle. Conduct an experiment–does this really work?

    Have a "Who is less competitive" competition:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-3 minutes) Trying to win at this will make you lose. Trying to lose makes you win which makes you lose. Not trying at all makes you lose which makes you win which makes you lose.

    Pick up a dog so it can see things from your point of view:
    (Amusement Potential: 3-5 minutes) Think about it: your dog has only seen the house from a viewpoint from 6" to 2′ high (15 to 60 cm for all you metric fans). It’s never seen the tops of counters, what you keep on your desk, the tops of shelves, etc. Try looking at things from its point of view, too.

    Pull out a hair, stick in someone’s ear:
    (Amusement Potential: 1-5 minutes) Best done to sleeping people. Added challenge in having no one else around, because then you can’t blame it on anyone else. Try to beat your record number of times before the person catches on.

    Pour water in hand, make sneeze noise, throw water on back of person’s neck:
    (Amusement Potential: 5-15 minutes) Always a good gag. For an even bigger reaction out of the person, act like you’re not sorry at all for what they think you did. Comment instead on how big that sneeze was or about how there was a lot of mucus in that one.

  • The UPS Man

    One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.  His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

    "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.  Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.  We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.  Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I.

    "The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

    "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet.  Then the women try to guess who it is."

    The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I’m sorry I missed that."

    "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times…"

  • The Wise Old Gentleman

    A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

    The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

    The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

    After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

    The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

    "Look," he said, "I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

    "A freakin’ quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

  • Microsoft and the Catholic Church

    VATICAN CITY (AP) — In a joint press conference in St. Peter’s Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.

    With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company’s new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.

    "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."

    Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company’s new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates.

    "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution — even reduce your time in Purgatory — all without leaving your home." A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.

    An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter’s Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello — in character as Father Guido Sarducci — hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.

    Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff’s smile seemed strained. The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican’s prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors’ access to these key intellectual properties.

    "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea– we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."

    But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church’s market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind. Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church’s mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT’s vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".

    Gates described MICROSOFT’s long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired — "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.

    The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.