The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: fun

  • The Retrosexual Man

    Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I’ve taken all I can stand and I can’t stand no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, Redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual…

    Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "

    The Code:

    A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

    A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

    A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

    A Retrosexual doesn’t worry about living to be 90. It’s not how long you live, but how well. If you’re 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.

    A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear – that’s it!!

    A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he’s shat himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, wear it correctly – not on the side like a faggot. Blokes and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!

    A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

    A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

    A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

    A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain’t worth it.

    A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn’t pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

    A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

    A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie — and ONLY a Windsor knot.

    A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

    A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can’t hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can — or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

    A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it’s just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "wakin’ up".

    Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Holden ute.

    When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.

    A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship – i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.

    A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

    A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his ute–that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the retrosexual man’s options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

    A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt’s) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

    A Retrosexual man doesn’t need a contract — a handshake is good enough.

    A Retrosexual man doesn’t immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

  • The Australian Ventriloquist

    An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun.

    Ventriloquist: "G’day Mate! Good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"
    New Zealander: "The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how’s it going old mate?"
    Dog: "Doin’ alright."
    New Zealander: extreme look of shock
    Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
    Dog: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    New Zealander: look of disbelief
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either…I think."
    Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how’s it going?"
    Horse: "Cool."
    New Zealander: extreme look of shock
    Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" pointing at New Zealander
    Horse: "Yep"
    Ventriloquist: "How’s he treat you?"
    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
    New Zealander: total look of amazement
    Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    New Zealander: "THE SHEEP’S A LIAR."

  • The Flight Simulator Pilot

    Darling,

    I’m posting this message in your newsgroup as I know this is the only way to get it to you since flight simulation entered our lives two years ago.

    The children are doing well. Our son is seven now and is a bright and handsome boy. He has developed quite a flair for art. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent. The computer, the model airplane, the chair, and the back of your head are rendered with stunning detail and accuracy. You would be very proud of him.

    As you’ll recall our precious little girl turned three in September. She still remembers that you spent the whole day with her on her birthday. What quality time it was for her when you allowed her to watch you re-enact Amelia Earhart’s last flight! She was sorry that she crashed before your plane did, but she was *so* sleepy. Poor thing. When she asked how come Daddy’s TV only had a grey picture, I told her you were staring at fog. Was I right?

    I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to find out that blondes really do have more fun.

    Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to all of us.

    The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I’m not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the dropcloths so you wouldn’t be disturbed. They were very apologetic about splattering your charts.

    I’ve discovered that the household chores are much easier since you allow me to vacuum around you instead of using the feather duster that makes you sneeze and also streaks your goggles.

    I will be at the ski lodge this weekend with Lars and the kids. But don’t worry, darling, we have separate bedrooms, and he is well aware that I am married. I will try to call you, but if the line is busy, then I’ll know that you are connected by modem with your flight instructor who is demonstrating advanced manoeuvres. (I still can’t believe he’s only thirteen! His parents must be as proud of him as I am of you.)

    The housekeeper has been instructed to keep your coffee cup filled and to give you a fresh straw every three hours. Just let her know when you’re getting hungry and she’ll give you some frozen pizza to suck on.

    Good luck circumnavigating the world via the poles! Should be a fun weekend! See you Sunday night!

    Fondly,

    Your wife

  • Surrogate Fathering

    The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I’m off. The man should be here soon".
    Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I’ve come to ……"
    "Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
    "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies."
    "That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
    "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too — you can really spread out!"
    "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me."
    "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results."
    "My, that’s a lot of ……" gasped Mrs. Smith.
    "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure."
    "Don’t I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
    The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
    "Oh, my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
    "And these twins turned out exceptionally well — when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
    "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
    "Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
    "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
    "Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
    Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um… equipment?"
    "That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
    "Tripod??"
    "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam? — Good Lord, she’s fainted!"

  • The World’s Funniest Joke

    LONDON (Reuters) – After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world’s funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

    In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people’s offerings.

    More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

    "Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

    He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

    Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

    Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

    People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand preferred gags involving word play, such as:

    PATIENT: "Doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum."

    DOCTOR: "I’ve got some cream for that."

    Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

    TEXAN: "Where are you from?"

    HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

    TEXAN: "OK — where are you from, jackass?"

    Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

    A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: ‘Could you please pass the butter?’

    "But instead I said: ‘You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."’

    Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

    "A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

    "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

    "The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."’

    Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

    "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

    And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England:

    "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’

    "The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.

    "The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’

    "The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk."’

    The survey revealed other fun facts:

    — Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

    — If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

    — The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What’s brown and sticky? A stick."

    Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

  • The Axis of Just As Evil

    ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"

    Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form "Axis of Somewhat Evil"; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

    Beijing: Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

    Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil… in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we’re the best evils… best at being evil… we’re the best."

    Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

    "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

    "An Axis can’t have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it’s tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

    THE AXIS PANDEMIC

    International reaction to Bush’s Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

    Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

    With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren’t the Worst But Certainly Won’t Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

    "That’s not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

    While wondering if the other nations of the world weren’t perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

    Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn’t want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that’s only because no one asked them.

  • In the Beginning

    In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented. 
    "The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?" 
    "How many did we put in Adam?" asked God. 
    "Two hundred, O Mighty One." 
    "Then we shall do the same for the woman." 
    "How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals, O Mightiest?" 
    "How many did we put in Adam?" 
    "Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One." 
    "Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn’t we? Do the same for woman." 
    "Yes, O Great Lord." 
    "Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it’d be a hoot to hear her scream out my name…"

  • The Lawyer and the Blonde

    A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now some what agitated, says, "Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his co-workers and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

  • The Weight Loss Program

    A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn’t). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days… For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven’t felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.

  • World Domination

    World domination is everyone’s dream. It’s not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villain I’ve read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I’ve noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world: 

    1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones. 
    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 
    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 
    4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 
    5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness. 
    6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them. 
    7. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I’ll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I’ll shoot him then say "No." 
    8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 
    9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such. 
    10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. 
    11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 
    12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 
    13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 
    14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. 
    15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 
    16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know." 
    17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. 
    18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. 
    19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father. 
    20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. 
    21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set. 
    22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 
    23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way — even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless — my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks. 
    24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.) 
    25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 
    26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber. 
    27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times. 
    28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 
    29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my enemies into confusion. 
    30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 
    31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 
    32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by. 
    33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button. 
    34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 
    35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 
    36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 
    37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant. 
    38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age. 
    39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army. 
    40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. 
    41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices. 
    42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 
    43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans. 
    44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance. 
    45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 
    46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor. 
    47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. 
    48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge. 
    49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 
    50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh PowerBooks. 
    51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero’s cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position. 
    52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 
    53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her. 
    54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 
    55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 
    56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice. 
    57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual. 
    58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. 
    59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. 
    60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. 
    61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them. 
    62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a fire fight. 
    63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. 
    64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage. 
    65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. 
    66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system. 
    67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency. 
    68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again. 
    69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild. 
    70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner. 
    71. If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no. 
    72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them. 
    73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. 
    74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. 
    75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time. 
    76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.) 
    77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer. 
    78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical." 
    79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins. 
    80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress. 
    81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw. 
    82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. 
    83. If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 
    84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex. 
    85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button." 
    86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded. 
    87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them. 
    88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. 
    89. After I capture the hero’s super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him. 
    90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door. 
    91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. 
    92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) 
    93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first. 
    94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. 
    95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard its an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look. 
    96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa. 
    97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled. 
    98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution. 
    99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. 
    100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.