The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: girl

  • A Man on a Beach

    A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals. The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

    The man said, "Nothing, it’s just a bird, now go away!"

    The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excruciating pain."

    Where the hell am I?"

    A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over."

    "Well, what the hell happened to me?"

    "We don’t know, son.

    Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?"

    The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."

    The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was.

    The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?"

    "Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me.

    So, I wrung its neck,broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

  • The Father

    There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, "This old motor is still a’ running."

    Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, "This old motor is still a’ running."

    The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, "This old motor is still a’ running.’"

    And the doctor said, "Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is black."

  • Barbie

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

    The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

    "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

  • Very Punny

    • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
    • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
    • A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
    • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    • Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
    • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
    • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
    • I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
    • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
    • I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
    • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
    • When chemists die, they barium.
    • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
    • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    • PMS jokes aren’t funny; period…
    • Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
    • We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.
    • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
    • When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.
    • Broken pencils are pointless.
    • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
    • All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
    • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    • Velcro – what a rip off!

  • At Church

    A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mummy" she said "Can we leave now?"

    "No" her mother replied.

    "Well, I think I have to throw up!"

    "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

    In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

    "Yes" the little girl replied.

    "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

    "I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mummy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says for the sick."

  • Jack Visits the Doctor

    Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

    After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment."

    Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

    Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."

    A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

    To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

    His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

    Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

  • The Virgin

    The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

    "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

    And then they made love for the first time.

    Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

    Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

    Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

    After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

    The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

    Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

    She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

    Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!"

  • Punographics

    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

    I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there’s no pop quiz.

    I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Velcro — what a rip off!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government’s fault.

    Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

  • Tragedy

    George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

    The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

    One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

    "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

    A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

    "I’m afraid not," the President said. "That’s what we would call a Great Loss."

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

    "That’s right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"  asked the President.

    "Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn’t be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn’t be a Great Loss…"

  • The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

    1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

    2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
    (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
    (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
    (c) After wrecking your boss’s car.

    3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

    4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

    5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

    6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

    7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

    8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

    9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

    10. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

    11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

    12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

    13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

    14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

    15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

    16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

    17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

    18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

    19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

    20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

    21. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

    22. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

    23. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

    24. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

    25. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

    26. The girl who replies to the question, "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you’d know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

    We hope this clears up any confusion,

    The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.