The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: girl

  • The Daughter’s Vibrator

    As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

    Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’

    The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

    To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’

    A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

    The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

    The wife asked: ‘What the hell are you doing?’

    The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’

  • The Girls Night Out

    Two women friends had gone for a girl’s night out. They both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they approached the Bacardi Breezers with a little too much enthusiasm.

    Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with this. After the girls did their business, they continued on home.

    The next Day, one woman’s husband was concerned that his normally sweet and Innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

    ‘These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. I’m starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.’

    ‘You think that’s bad’ said the other husband, ‘Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her butt that says: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you. ‘

  • One Day at the Bus Stop

    One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn’t get her foot high enough to reach to step.

    Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn’t reach the step.

    So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn’t reach the step.

    So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don’t even know you!"

    Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma’am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

  • Nuclear Power

    A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

    The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

    Oh, I don’t know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

    "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff… grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

    The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

    To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?"

  • Widdle Wabbits

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level, and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
    The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers… "I don’t weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk."

  • Taking the Dog for a Walk

    A little girl asks her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Her Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

    "What does that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

    The little girl goes out to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come and ask you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."

    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.

    Surprised, Dad asked, "Where’s Belle?"

    The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

  • Animals Don’t Stutter

    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

    A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

    "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

    "That must’ve been scary", said the teacher.

    "It sure was", said the little girl.

    "My kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

  • In Thailand

    In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the centre of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.

    At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire.

    Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honoured to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner centre circle.

    Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them.

    Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity.

    And that’s why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.

  • The Grocery Store

    A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his drawers. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, gave him a good going over then called on the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

    The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him also to take down his pants. He did, she gave him a good feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

    A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had already seen was way cool. He had never had sexual contact of any kind with a female, so thought this was his big chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said… "Cleanup, register 5!"

  • Childbirth Explained

    I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

    When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk a bout it, they’re welcome.

    Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.

    First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

    She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!

    Now the kid’s doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man."
    "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

    "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

    "Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push, and breathe, breathe.’" "They started counting, but never even got past ten."
    "Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from Mom’s play-center! , so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

    Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

    Sometimes children help us see the world as it is meant to be.