The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: girl

  • “Will You Marry Me?”

    Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?".

    The girl said, "NO!".

    And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

  • “Sex” Frogs

    A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

    The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I’ll take one."

    The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do.

    1. Take a shower.
    2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
    3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
    4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".

    She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens. The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

    She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over."

    Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

    The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me closely frog, I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!

  • The Pregnancy Test

    A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test. The test is positive.

    Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

    Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

    "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

    Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
    However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,

    "You’ll do her again."

  • The Escapee

    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in 20 years.

    "I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"

    To which the wife responds: "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

  • A Little Girl & the Construction Workers

    This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

    A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.

    One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

    The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less… adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

    They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

    The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house."

    "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?".

    The little girl replied… "I will if those useless cunts at Bunnings ever bring us the fucking gyprock"

  • The Fire Truck

    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

    That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

    "Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

    "Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar too, I think you could go faster."

    The little girl replies thoughtfully, " You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren."

  • The Garden of Eden

    First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
    Then he said to himself, "There’s something he’s needing’ ."

    After casting about for a suitable pearl,
    He kept messing around and created a girl.

    Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
    Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

    Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
    And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

    Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
    Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

    Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
    And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

    Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
    And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

    ‘Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
    Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fucking thing.

  • Onestone the Indian Brave

    This is the story of Onestone, the Indian Brave.

    This was his Indian name given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

    The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he screwed her all day, he screwed her all night, he screwed her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business.

    Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after many years away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone." Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

    What is the moral of the story?

    Every one knows you can’t kill two birds with one stone.

  • Two Old Men

    Two old men decide they are close to their last day on earth and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference."

    Her manager does as he is told and the two old men go up stairs and take care of their business. As they walked home the first one says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

    "Dead?" says his friend, "why would you think that?"

    "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

    His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

    "A WITCH!!! Why the hell would you say that?"

    "Well, I was making love to her, kissing on her neck and I gave it a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window!!"

  • The Flight Simulator Pilot

    Darling,

    I’m posting this message in your newsgroup as I know this is the only way to get it to you since flight simulation entered our lives two years ago.

    The children are doing well. Our son is seven now and is a bright and handsome boy. He has developed quite a flair for art. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent. The computer, the model airplane, the chair, and the back of your head are rendered with stunning detail and accuracy. You would be very proud of him.

    As you’ll recall our precious little girl turned three in September. She still remembers that you spent the whole day with her on her birthday. What quality time it was for her when you allowed her to watch you re-enact Amelia Earhart’s last flight! She was sorry that she crashed before your plane did, but she was *so* sleepy. Poor thing. When she asked how come Daddy’s TV only had a grey picture, I told her you were staring at fog. Was I right?

    I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to find out that blondes really do have more fun.

    Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to all of us.

    The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I’m not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the dropcloths so you wouldn’t be disturbed. They were very apologetic about splattering your charts.

    I’ve discovered that the household chores are much easier since you allow me to vacuum around you instead of using the feather duster that makes you sneeze and also streaks your goggles.

    I will be at the ski lodge this weekend with Lars and the kids. But don’t worry, darling, we have separate bedrooms, and he is well aware that I am married. I will try to call you, but if the line is busy, then I’ll know that you are connected by modem with your flight instructor who is demonstrating advanced manoeuvres. (I still can’t believe he’s only thirteen! His parents must be as proud of him as I am of you.)

    The housekeeper has been instructed to keep your coffee cup filled and to give you a fresh straw every three hours. Just let her know when you’re getting hungry and she’ll give you some frozen pizza to suck on.

    Good luck circumnavigating the world via the poles! Should be a fun weekend! See you Sunday night!

    Fondly,

    Your wife