The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: girl

  • Which to Marry?

    A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry.

    As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

    The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month’s supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They’re my gifts to you, because I love you so."

    The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply, and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That’s how much I love you, my dear."

    The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest boobs.

  • The Woman and the Sailor

    A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

    He took pity on her and said, "Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

    That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

    Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me."

    "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

  • Bailey’s and Lime

    This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she’ll be happy to pick up the round as she’s heard of a new drink she wants him to try.
    She gets back to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a measure of Bailey’s. The other full of lime juice.
    She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey’s, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice."
    He looks a little dubious but does as he’s told because she’s really cute when she’s enthusiastic.
    First he swallows the Bailey’s. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.
    Then he chugs the lime juice.
    After about a second, the cream in the Bailey’s curdles in his mouth.
    Two seconds into it his face turns the colour of fresh lime juice.
    Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to swallow the mess.
    As he makes a face, she whispers sweetly in his ear, "It’s called ‘Blowjob Revenge’."

  • The Last Day of Kindergarten

    On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is–it’s some flowers!" "That’s right!" Shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is–it’s a box of candy!" "That’s right!" Shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She asked. "No," the boy answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?" The boy replied, "A puppy!"

  • How Old Are You Mummy?

    A mother is driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date. 
    "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" 
    "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It’s not polite." 
    "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" 
    "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." 
    Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" 
    "That is enough questions, little girl, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 
    "My Mom won’t tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
    "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." 
    Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." 
    The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
    "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" 
    "And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
    "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
    "Because you got an F in sex    ."

  • The Australian Olympic Swim Team

    A young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village. Once she’s inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement. 

    After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion. The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light. His beautifully developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her. She’s really pleased to have met this guy. 

    At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed. He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp. Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla. Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance. The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter. Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion! 

    After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid. Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN. 

    The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can’t properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect! More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself. 

    "Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!" She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid. She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola. Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed – only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

  • The Perfect Woman

    An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

    With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

    The farmer simply replied, "They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

    The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.

    "Well" said the man, " She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

    The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

    "Well," the man replied, "She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

    The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

    The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

    Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

    "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

  • The Jaguar XK140

    A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it’s gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That’s a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" Well, it just conked out I’m afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

  • Carmen

    Guy meets a girl in a bar and after talking for a few minutes he asks her name. She replies Carmen, and he says that’s one of his favourite names. He asks if her mother named her and she says that she actually changed her name to Carmen. When he asked why, she replied because she likes cars and men. She then asked his name, to which he replied, "Beerfuck."

  • The Weight Loss Program

    A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. Guaranteed like heck, he thinks to himself. But lets see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. Well, without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn’t). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, I like the way this company does business. For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If you can catch me, you can have me. He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days… For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds. I love this company, he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun. Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. Are you sure, sir? asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely, says he, I love your program. haven’t felt this good in years! The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, If I can catch you, I can have you.