The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: girl

  • A Father’s Rules on Dating his Daughter

    Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

  • Daddy’s Little Girl

    A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

    "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

    "They’re mating," her father replied.

    "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

    "That’s a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

    "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

    "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs,"

    The little girl thought for a moment — then took her foot and stomped them flat.

    "Well, we’re not having any of that shit in our garden."

  • A Little Old Lady’s Groceries

    A little old lady went to a grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter. The girl at the cash register said

    "I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

    The little old lady went home, picked up the cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day she tries to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demands proof that she has a dog, because sometime old people eat dog food. She went home and brought in the dog. She then got the dog food. The next day she brought in a small box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

    The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

    The little old lady said, "It is!. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

  • The New Zealand Sailor

    I need your help… I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in Whangarei and my brother-in-law is an Australian living in Gisborne. My father and mother have been busted for drug running and depend on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland, for a living. My only brother is serving a life sentence in prison for murder. I am in love with a Thai prostitute who solicits around the Auckland wharves. She says she loves me, but knows nothing of my family background. We intend to marry just as soon as her illnesses clear up. My being white doesn’t bother her at all. When I get out of the Navy, we will open a day-care centre in Hamilton and get my two sisters to work there, to keep the business in the family.

    My problem is this. I want to marry this girl and bring her into the family, and I want to be completely honest with her.

    Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Australian?

  • Twins

    Morris starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

    He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she’d like to do.

    She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I’d love to play your trombone."

    So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

    A few weeks later, the girls are walking past Morris’ apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let’s stop up and see that guy."

    The other girl says, "Gee, do you think he’ll remember us?"

  • Triplets

    A women was pregnant with triplets. Anyway one day she goes into this bank. The bank is being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her belly!! Luckily she lives. She goes to the doctor. He says her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out, so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MUM, MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" so the mother tells her the story. The next day the next daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MUM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" The next day the son comes out and says "MUM, MUM!" She goes "let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" He replies, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

  • Rules for Men

    I’m not usually taken by these lists, but this one is an exception…

    Men

    1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
    2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
    3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
    4. When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
    5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
    7. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
    8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
    9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
    10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
    11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
    12. Before dating a buddy’s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
    13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
    14. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see nothin’.
    15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
    16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend’s cat.
    17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
    18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
    19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless supermodel… and it’s free.
    20. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
    21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
    22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
    23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
      "Yeah, baby, push it!"
      "C’mon, give me one more! Harder!"
      "Another set and we can hit the showers."
      "Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
    24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
    25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
    26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
    27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
    28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

  • Honey, Could You Fix the Light?

    A guy is slobbing at home watching the football when his girl interrupts: "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway It’s been flickering for weeks."

    He looks at her and says angrily: "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a General Electric logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so."

    "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close properly."

    He says: "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse on my forehead? I don’t think so."

    "Fine!" she screams: "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."

    "I’m not a bloody carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I’ve got Mitre 10 written on my forehead? I don’t think so.

    I’ve had enough of this, I’m going to the pub! He drinks for a couple of hours then starts to feel guilty about the way he treated his girl and decides to go home and help out. As he walks in, he notices that the steps are already fixed and the light is no longer flickering. He goes to get a beer and notices the fridge door is also fixed.

    "Honey, how’d this all get fixed?"

    She said: "When you left, I sat outside and cried. The nice young man across the street asked what was wrong and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was bake him a cake or have sex with him."

    "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" he asked.

    She replied: "HELLO!!! …. Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead? I don’t think so!!"

  • A Sweatshirt or a Windbreaker?

    A girl says to a salesman, "I’m not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker."

    He says, "Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?"

  • Three Girls on the Porch

    A nice man walks past a house and sees three girls sitting on their front porch. He stops and says to the first little girl, "Hello little girl, what’s your name?"

    She replies, "My name is Petal, because when my mother was pregnant with me, a petal landed on her tummy." The man said, "That’s so sweet!"

    To the next girl he asks, "Little girl, what’s your name?"

    The girls says, "My name is Feather, because when my mother was pregnant with me, a feather landed on her tummy." He again praises the cute young girl.

    The man looks to the third girl who seems very dazed with her eyes to the sky and her mouth open wide drooling. He says as kindly as he can, "And you little girl, what’s your name?"

    The girl replies in a very drawled out tone, "mayyyy nayyyme uzzzz peyannnno."