The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: God

  • The Wedding Night

    The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals – a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

    The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

    The electrician decided to wire the bed – with alternating current, of course.

    The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

    The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

    “DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I’M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE VASELINE!”

  • A Very Successful Attorney

    A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.

    Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

    Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions,  the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

    After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant,  the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

    "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

    The cop replied, "Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

    "OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.

    "My Rolex !!"

  • God’s First Name

    This guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter is standing at the gate. He says, "If you can answer these three questions I will let you in to heaven. First, how many seconds are in a year? Second, how many days of the week have a ‘T’ in them? Third, what is God’s first name? You have until tomorrow to answer these questions."


    The guy comes back the next day, St. Peter asks the first question and the guy says, "Twelve." "Twelve?" says St. Peter, "how did you get that?" The man replied, "January 2nd, February 2nd and so on." Peter thinks it over and says, "Well that is not exactly what I meant, but it’s technically correct, so I will give you credit."


    Then St. Peter asks the second question and the guy answers, "Two." St. Peter asks how he got that answer and the man explains, "Today and Tomorrow." St. Peter again admit that wasn’t what he had in mind, but he’ll accept that.


    Peter then asked the third question — God’s first name. The man says, "Howard. " St. Peter, really perplexed, inquires how the guy got that and the man says, "You know — it’s in the prayer: ‘Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…’"

  • The Shortest Essay

    This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Tamworth who won the World’s Shortest Essay competition.

    He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Sydney for his imagination and humour…

    Here it is…

    Shortest Essay:

    An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

    • Religion

    • Royalty

    • Physical Disability

    • Racism

    • Homosexuality

    The prize-winner wrote:

    ‘My God,’ cried the Queen, ‘That one-legged coon is a poofter’.

  • The Vegas Pro

    A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

    Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

    Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

    The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?"

    "Yes."

    "Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?"

    "Yes."

    "And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?"

    "Yes."

    "Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500."

    Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel.

    A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

    The hooker replies, "$1,500."

    "$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!"

    The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500."

    The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

    Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

    The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

    "Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

    "No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

  • The Earthquake in Pakistan

    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale has hit Pakistan .
    Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
    The country is totally ruined, and the government doesn’t know where to start, with providing help to rebuild.
    The rest of the world is in shock.
    The USA is sending troops to help.
     
    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
    Latin American countries are sending supplies.
    New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
    The Asians are sending labor to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
    Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
     
    Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million Pakistanis as replacements.

    God Bless Canadian generosity….

  • Farting Loudly

    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

    The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

    Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

    The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

    She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

    Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

    The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

    She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.

    "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

    "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

  • Weapons of Math Destruction

    At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

    At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."
    As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
    President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

    Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.

  • Two Guys Wearing Hoodies

    Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing hoodies arrived. St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."

    St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers and carefully describes the two men waiting for entrance.

    God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t be racist and judgemental here. This is heaven.  All are loved.  All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

    St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says, "Well, they’re gone."

    "The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

    "No. The Pearly Gates."

  • God Creating Women

    While creating women, God made a promise to men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.


    And then He smiled and made the earth round.