The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: God

  • The Swede, The Irishman and the Scotsman at Golf

    The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
    ‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded.
    ‘Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’
    The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.’

    Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
    ‘Blessed Mother of God woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’
    She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’
    Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’

    Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
    ‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?’
    She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’
    The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb… Tidy yerself up a bit.

  • The Hippie and the Nun

    A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

    "No," she replies, "I’m married to God."
    She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

    The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

    "Yeah?", says the hippie.

    "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

    The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

    "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.  "Have sex with me."

    The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.

    ‘God’ agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a Flourish.

    "Ha-ha," he cries. "I’m the hippie!"

    "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I’m the bus driver!

  • Harry

    Harry answers the telephone and it’s an Emergency Room doctor.

    The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

    Harry says, "My God. What’s the good news?"

    The doctor says, "I’m kidding. She’s dead."

  • Castaways

    A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

    Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She’s also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

    He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

    Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven. Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night.

    Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum.

    "What’s the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

    He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

    "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

    "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

    "Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better," she says.

    "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

    "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

    Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

    She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!"

  • In the Beginning

    In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

    Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, ‘You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, ‘Yes!’ And Woman said, ‘I’ll have one too with chocolate chips’. And so they gained 10 pounds.

    And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

    And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

    So God said, ‘Try my fresh green salad’. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said ‘I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them’.

    And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter, and Man’s cholesterol went through the roof.

    Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

    Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.

    And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

    Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

    And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said ‘You want fries with that?’ and Man replied, ‘Yes, and super size ’em’. And Satan said, ‘It is good.’ And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

    God sighed ……… and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

    And then ………… Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

  • Gennaro and his Boccelli Shoes

    Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day And passes a shoe store.

    Each day he stops and looks in the window To admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much… it’s all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

    Every Friday night the Italian community Holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and As they dance he asks her,

    ‘Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?’ Startled, Sophia replies, ‘Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?’ Gennaro answers, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’ Next he asks Rosa to dance, And after a few minutes he asks, ‘ Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?’ Rosa answers, ‘Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?’ He replies, ‘I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?’ Now as the evening is almost over And the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

    Midway through the dance his face Turns red. He states, ‘Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!’ Carmela smiles coyly and answers, ‘Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.’ Gennaro gasps,

    ‘Thanka God …. I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!’

  • Getting into Heaven

    There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so only the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

    The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

    The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought "Please God spare my life" and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I’m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

    It was now the third guy’s turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I’m hiding butt naked in this married chick’s refrigerator….."

  • The Story of Adam and Eve’s Pets

    Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more.

    We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.
     
    And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.

    Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
     
    And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

    And it was a good animal.

    And God was pleased.
     
    And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
     
    And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.
     
    And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

    And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
     
    And they were comforted.
     
    And God was pleased.
     
    And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

    After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride

    They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.
     
    And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are.

    The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.
     
    And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

    And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

    And Adam and Eve learned humility.
     
    And they were greatly improved.

    And God was pleased…
     
    And Dog was happy…

    And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other…

  • The Lone Ranger and Tonto

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?"

    The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it’s like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there’s a new star in the sky. What do you think?"

    Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto think someone stole tent."

  • Kelly and Riley

    ”My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

    ”I got in a tiff with Riley.”

    ”Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. ”He must used something on you.”

    ”That he did,” Kelly said. ”A shovel it was.”

    ”Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything to retaliate with?”

    ”Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s left boob.” Kelly said. ”And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.”