The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: God

  • To the Citizens of the United States of America

    To the citizens of the United States of America…

    In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

    You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

    An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

    John Cleese

  • The Vet

    One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.

    We didn’t know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier, and we took her to the vet. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE that wanted the dirty cat, not him.

    My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other, and they constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion.

    The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened, and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved, and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and by the way, I think she’s pregnant and God only knows who the father is!" And then he closed the door.

    Now THAT, my friends, is getting even…

  • Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton

    Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven.

    Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

    St. Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

    St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

    St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

    Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations, she performs a disgusting, hygiene act, and gets in and I don’t?!"

    "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

  • Female Crew

    As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

    Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

    Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

    When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

    Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

    My God," said Ed, "I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

    That’s another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit.

    Now it’s the box office!

  • God and Adam

    God said, "Go down into that valley."
    And Adam said, "What’s a valley?"
    And God explained it to him.
    Then God said, "Cross the river."
    And Adam said, "What’s a river?"
    And God explained it to him.
    And then God said, "Go over the hill."
    And Adam said, "What’s a hill?"
    And God explained it to him.
    Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
    And Adam said, "What’s a cave?"
    And God explained that to him.
    "In the cave you will find a woman. Her name is Eve."
    And Adam said, "What’s a woman?"
    So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
    And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
    So God explained it to him.
    So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and after about five minutes he went back.
    God said angrily, "What is it now?"
    And Adam said, "What’s a headache?"

  • The Priest, the Preacher and the Rabbi

    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God’s Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear."

  • The Holy Place

    This from Scott Adams…

    As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.

    The core belief that drives terrorism is the notion of a "holy place," along with the idea that some people belong there and other people don’t. That’s why the only solution to terrorism is for religious scholars to hold a global summit to agree on the definition of "holy place." Once they agree on a definition, it will be easier to mock it into submission.

    At some point during the summit, probably after a week or so, the scholars would tire of saying to each other, "Nice hat" and asking, "What setting do you use to trim your ratty beard?" Then they’d get down to the business of defining what makes a place holy. Someone would suggest that the key things are the location and the fact that something holy happened there.
     

    Eventually, someone with a second-grade understanding of space, possibly the busboy, would point out that everything in the universe has moved a gazillion miles since the holy event, and the concept of location is meaningless unless all the reference points stay put. The best-case scenario is that the "holy place" is now a billion miles away, floating in empty space.

    After some embarrassed mumbling, the scholars would insist that they knew all along that location wasn’t important. One of them would break the awkwardness by suggesting that a holy place must be defined by the "stuff" that comprises it. That’s good news, because the Middle East is made entirely of dirt. The wise King Solomon probably would have advised people to help themselves to as much holy dirt as they wanted. He might have gone so far as to suggest that people put holy dirt in their socks so they can enjoy walking on it wherever they go. But first he would have invented socks and patented the idea, because in addition to being wise, he had a good head for business.

    Religious scholars should also help the rest of us understand the question of holy depth. Is it just the top layer of soil that’s holy, or does the holiness continue lower into the ground? It’s important because if there’s no bottom limit, then whatever is on the exact opposite side of the earth is also holy, only upside down. The residents would have to stand on their heads to get the full benefit of the holy rays, but it would be worth it.

    Feel free to forward this Holy Place argument to any Induhviduals who need the enlightenment that comes from having their core beliefs mocked. I can’t guarantee that this will stop terrorism, but whatever you’re doing now isn’t working.

    If you want more thought-provoking ideas in the same realm, check out my new book, The Religion War. It’s a sequel to my non-Dilbert book, God’s Debris.
    It’s guaranteed to become a collector’s item after al-Qaeda gets me. And it’s ideal for book clubs and people who like to have their preconceived notions tweaked.

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740747886/dilbertcom-20

  • The Pope and the Rabbi

    Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won they would have to leave.

    The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

    On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

    Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

    Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

    Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

    The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

    Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

    With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

    Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

    The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins

    He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

    Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

    "I haven’t a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we’re staying right here."

    "And then what," asked a woman.

    "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

  • Mrs. Vance is Overdue

    Mr.Vance comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

    "I have great news: I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby!  The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody."

    The next day, Mrs.Vance receives a telephone call from Toronto Hydro because the electricity bill has not been paid.

    " Am I speaking to Mrs.Vance ? "

    "Yes…… speaking"

    Hydro guy, "You’re a month overdue, you know!"

    "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

    "Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!" says Mr. Hydro guy

    "What are you saying? It’s in your files …… HOW ?????"

    " Yes …………. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue "

    " GOD !!!!!!……… this is too much………."

    "Madam, I am sorry…… I am following orders…. I have to inform you are overdue"

    "I know that ……. let me talk to my husband about this tonight…..He will speak to your company tomorrow"

    That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a hornet, rushes to the Hydro office the next day morning.

    "What’s going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

    "Just calm down," says the lady at reception, "it’s nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

    "PAY you? and if I refuse?"

    "Well, in that case, sir, we’d have no option but to cut yours off."

    "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

    "I don’t know sir. I guess she’d have to use a candle!!!"

  • The Hospital Benefactor

    A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

    "Oh my God!" screamed the woman. "That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

    The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "I am very sorry… but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day, they’ll explode and he’ll die within minutes."

    "Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s OK," commented the woman.

    In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing oral sex on a different male patient.

    Again the woman screamed "Oh my God! How can that be justified?"

    The doctor replied… "Same illness, better health plan."