The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: God

  • Jesus and Satan

    Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

    Finally fed up, God said, "THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

    They moused.

    They faxed.

    They e-mailed.

    They e-mailed with attachments.

    They downloaded.

    They did spreadsheets!

    They wrote reports.

    They created labels and cards.

    They created charts and graphs.

    They did some genealogy reports

    They did every job known to man.

    Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

    Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

    Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

    Jesus just sighed.

    Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It’s gone! It’s all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.

    "Wait!" he screamed. "That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?"

    God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES".

  • The Head

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just "a head"! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

    After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink !"

    The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

    The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly, the bar falls silent.

    The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should have quit while he was a head!"

  • Isn’t That Precious

    Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while waiting in the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centred on if they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

    The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn’t that precious?"

    The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

    Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn’t that precious?"

    The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

    Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn’t that precious??"

    The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

    "My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

    "Charm school! ??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

    The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying ‘Who gives a shit?’ I learned to say, "Well, isn’t that precious?"

  • The Monastry

    A man is driving down a country road in Ireland and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The Monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, show him to a room, and even fix his car.

    As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he’s ever heard before. It is the most beautiful sound he has ever heard in his life. He is instantly captivated and enchanted. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a hauntingly seductive sound.

    The next morning, he asks the Monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk."

    Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

    Years later, after never being able to forget that sound which continually echoes in his mind, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The Monks reply, "We can’t tell you. You’re not a Monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a Monk, then please, make me a Monk." The Monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answer to these questions, you will have become a Monk."

    The man sets about his task.

    After years of searching he returns as a grey-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A Monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the Monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

    The Monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a Monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

    The Monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

    The Monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

    Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.

    The sound has now become very clear and definite.

    The Monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…..

    But I cannot tell you what it is because you’re not a Monk.

  • The Kayaking Accident

    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

    "We’re sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted.

    The troopers looked at each other.

    One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

    " Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

    The trooper said, "I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay."

    "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What’s the good news?

    The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

    Stunned, ! Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?"

    The trooper said, "We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow."

  • Sister Magdalene

    It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

    "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I’ve been saved."

    "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

    "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

    "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

    Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

    "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

    "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

    "That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years."

  • God and Saint Francis

    (overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis):

    God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees, and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colour by now. All I see are patches of green.

    St. Francis: It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are called the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

    God: Grass? But it is so boring, it’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want grass growing there?

    St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little, they cut it….sometimes two times a week.

    God: They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?

    St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

    God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

    St. Francis: No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

    God: Now let me get this straight…they fertilize it to make it grow and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

    St. Francis: Yes, sir.

    God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

    St. Francis: You aren’t going to believe this Lord, but when the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

    God: What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves become compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.

    St. Francis: You’d better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

    God: No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

    St Francis: After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

    God: And where do they get this mulch?

    St. Francis: They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch.

    God: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

    St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It’s a really stupid movie about….

    God: Never mind–I think I just heard the whole story from Saint Francis!

  • A Priest, a Preacher and a Rabbi

    A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk Shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

    One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment: they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.

    Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

    "Well," he says, "I went into the woods To find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t Sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And, just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

    They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

    The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear."

  • The Hollywood Agent

    This good looking, multi-talented man walks into an agent’s office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star. " Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

    The agent asked, "What’s your name?"

    The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

    The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

    "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

    FIVE YEARS LATER….. the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…

    "Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your great advice.

    Sincerely,

    Dick van Dyke

  • Weapons of Math Destruction

    At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney-General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

    "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer, Isosceles, used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’."

    When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".