A guy walks into a pet store looking for a gift for his wife’s birthday. He looks all over and decides to leave when a voice in the back says, "Hey Buddy-C’mere!"
The man walks to the rear of the store and there sits a huge African parrot. About that time the manager walks over. The bird says, "Why don’t you buy me?"
The guy asks how much and the manager explains that the parrot had belonged to a University Professor and that he spoke and understood 7 languages. Then told the customer that the parrot was $4000. The guy started to purchase the bird when the manager said, "Uh, there is one thing about this bird that I should tell you. The parrot doesn’t have any legs."
Laughing, the guy said, "Ok, then how does he stand up on the perch?"
The manager lifted the parrots feathers and showed that the parrot wrapped his penis around the perch and balanced.
"That’s pretty amazing," said the customer. "I want it anyway."
He took it home and gave it to the delighted wife. Six weeks pass. One Sunday afternoon, the guy is sitting on the couch and the parrot says, "Hey Buddy!" The guy walks over to the cage.
"Yes?"
"There’s something going on here you should know about."
"Like what?"
"Well," said the parrot, "each day when you go to work, someone different knocks on the door and your wife greets them in her nightgown!"
"WHAT?" exclaimed the guy!
"Next, the man holds your wife’s hand and brings her over here to the couch-RIGHT UNDER MY CAGE-and starts to remove her nightgown!", screams the parrot.
"Oh my God-what happens next," shouts the guy!
"Well, he rips off her panties and she rips off his shirt-and they really start going at it-RIGHT HERE ON THE COUCH-RIGHT UNDER MY CAGE!", replies the parrot.
"Holy Smokes", yells the guy. "What happens NEXT?"
"I DUNNO BUDDY! I FELL OFF THE FREAKING PERCH!"
Tag: God
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The African Parrot
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In the Beginning
In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked God.
"Two hundred, O Mighty One."
"Then we shall do the same for the woman."
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman’s genitals, O Mightiest?"
"How many did we put in Adam?"
"Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One."
"Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn’t we? Do the same for woman."
"Yes, O Great Lord."
"Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it’d be a hoot to hear her scream out my name…" -
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That’s what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent,hardworking American.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
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A Virgin After Twelve Marriages
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.’
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was – God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed. -
Ground Control
During taxi, the crew of a US AIR departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta. Stop right there! I know it’s difficult to tell the difference between C’s & D’s, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you’ve screwed everything up; it’ll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don’t move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma’am." The ground control frequency went terribly silent; no one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn’t I married to you once?"
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The Perfect Woman
An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.
With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.
Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
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The Amazon Explorer
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a large bloodthirsty group of savage natives. He quietly says out loud, "Oh God, I’m screwed!" Suddenly, there is a ray of light from above and a voice booms out, "No, you’re not screwed yet. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of their chief standing in front of you." So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living crap out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, with the shocked and angry looks of the natives closing in on him, he looks upward and says, "What now God?" And God’s voice booms out, "Okay…now you’re screwed!"
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First Sex
Simon pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he’d first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Simon recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Brian.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaaaa."
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Texas
May 30th
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th
Dry God Damn heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th
One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this fuckin’ state.
Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I’m going to tear his Fucking throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted FUCKING Garfield!
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to fuck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the fucking pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat. What the Fuck!?
Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the fucking windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The fucking monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving back to California for some peace and quiet.
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The Explorer
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I’m screwed."
The sky darkens and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."
So with the stone he bashes the life out of the chief. Standing above the lifeless body, breathing heavily looking at 100 angry natives…
The voice booms out again, "Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed."