The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Hell

  • Three Blondes in Heaven

    Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

    The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

    The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

    The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder … "

    St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

    Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

  • The UPS Man

    One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.  His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

    "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.  Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.  We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.  Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I.

    "The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"

    "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our ‘privates’ showing through a hole in the sheet.  Then the women try to guess who it is."

    The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I’m sorry I missed that."

    "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven times…"

  • George Bush in Hell

    George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

    ‘I’m not sure what to do,’ says the Devil. ‘you’re on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go. ‘I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you’ll have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.’

    George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

    The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. such was his fate in Hell.

    ‘No!’ George shouted. ‘I don’t think so. I am not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long’.

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time..

    ‘No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony if  all I could do was breaks rocks all day’, commented George.

    The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the  floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose.. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

    George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said: ‘Yeah, I can handle this.’

    The Devil smiled and said ‘Ok, Monica, you’re free to go!’

  • The Wal-Mart Greeter

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

    "I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

  • Murphy at Mass

    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

    Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

    Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.

    I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday.

    I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church.

    So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat."

    The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?"

    Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat."

    The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’, you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

    Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.

  • My Wife Left Me

    My wife left me. I don’t understand why. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.

    I was not a big drinker maybe a 12 pack on weekends.

    Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given up anything!"

    She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

    I told her, "Hell, that’s what the beer was for!"

    I don’t think she’ll be back.

  • English is a Crazy Language

    Let’s face it — English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

    Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

    Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

    Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

  • The Business Man and the Cab

    A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

  • Little Golden Books That Didn’t Make It

    1. You Are Different And That’s Bad
    2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
    3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
    4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
    5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
    6. All Cats Go To Hell
    7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
    8. Some Kittens Can Fly
    9. That’s It, I’m Putting You Up For Adoption
    10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
    11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
    12. You Were an Accident
    13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
    14. Pop! Goes the Hamster… And Other Microwave Games
    15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
    16. Your Nightmares Are Real
    17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
    18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
    19. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
    20. Why is PMS named PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

  • The Diagnostic Computer

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." 
    "Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." 
    So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 
    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. 
    That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener 
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
    4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer. 
    5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.