Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, "That’s what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I’d like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let’s see… size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That’s right, how did you know?"
"It’s my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and… 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That’s right, how did you know?"
"It’s my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, "Let’s see…9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That’s right, how did you know?"
"It’s my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, "Let’s see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That’s right, how did you know?"
"It’s my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, "Let’s see… size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can’t wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
Tag: Hell
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The Headache
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The Cow and the Mermaid
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her – how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?"
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The Horse’s Ass
A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and kisses it smack on the ass.
The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, "I noticed when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed it on the ass. Can I ask why?"
The cowboy answers "Chapped lips".
"Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?"
"No, but it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."
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The Physics of Hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not Belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "…that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." the student received the only "A" given.
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The Hangover
A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night.
He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.
He thinks, "Bloody hell what happened last night??"
He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, "What happened last night? Who was I with? Must have been a wild party."
He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there’s a god, please let this be a teabag."
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Texas
May 30th
Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.
June 30th
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 10th
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? Too bad it’s not a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking longer than I expected.
July 15th
Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.
July 20th
I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shit. No more pets in this heat!
July 25th
Dry God Damn heat, my ass. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.
July 30th
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th
One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this fuckin’ state.
Aug 8th
If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I’m going to tear his Fucking throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted FUCKING Garfield!
Aug 10th
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to fuck for two damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so $1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the fucking pool. Even a cactus can’t live in this heat. What the Fuck!?
Aug 14th
Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the fucking windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th
Worst day of the damn summer. I’m not leaving the house. The fucking monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new $500 windshield. That does it, we’re moving back to California for some peace and quiet.