The Monday Morning Mirth

Tag: Husband

  • A “Phone Call”

    A Husband and Wife agreed that anytime they want to have sex, they will call it a PHONE CALL so that the kids will not decode…
    One day they had a fight and wife stopped talking to the husband and they were talking to each other thru kids.
    The husband said to his son – "Tell your mom that Daddy wants to make a ‘phone call’."
    Mother replies: "Tell your dad that the Network is down today".
    Dad replies: "Tell your mom that if there is no Network at home, I will go to a Public Phone."
    Mother said to her son – "Tell your dad, if he dare go to a Public Phone, I will open a Call Center at home."


  • Husband and Wife Golfers

    Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

    One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

    When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead."

    Edna replied "He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

  • A Husband’s Insight

    At the church’s husband’s marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Luigi replied to the audience, ‘Well, I’v-a-tried to-a treat-a her well, spend-a money on her, but-a da best-a is I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary.’

    The Priest immediately commented, ‘Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

    Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary…’

    Luigi proudly replied, ‘I’m-a gonna go and-a get her.’

  • Your Husband’s Disease

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

    He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.

    Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.

    Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

    "You’re going to die," she replied.

  • The Husband Superstore

    Recently, a "Husband Superstore" opened, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attitudes as you ascended.

    The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

    A couple of girlfriends went to the superstore to find some husbands……….

    First floor, the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?" So up they went.

    Second floor, the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking."
    "Hmmmm," said the ladies, "But I wonder what’s further up?"

    Third floor, the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
    "WOW," said the women. "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

    Fourth floor, this door had a sign saying, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
    "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!
    So up to the fifth floor they went.

    Fifth floor. The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs !!"

  • The Contemplative Husband

    A woman awakens during the night to find her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What’s the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of the night?".

    The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    "Yes, I do" she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?".

    "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

    "I would have gotten out today."

  • The Frog in the Trap

    Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

    The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes – that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

    The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

    The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, *POOF*, she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

    For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

    The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

    So, *POOF*, she’s the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I’d like a mild heart attack."

  • The Tasmanian Couple

    After having their 11th child, a Tasmanian couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

    A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Tasmanian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

    "Trust me," said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can.

    He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

    "1"
    "2"
    "3"
    "4"
    "5"

    …at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in New Zealand and some southern states of the USA.

  • A Virgin After Twelve Marriages

    A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
    This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded:
    My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’
    My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
    My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
    My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.’
    My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
    My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
    My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.
    My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
    My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’
    My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
    My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
    My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was – God I miss him!
    So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed.

  • The Impending Divorce

    A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he’s up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I’ve got everything I need." She asks, "What’s that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I’ve got the airbag!"